A hard hitting documentary on how drugs can have a positive effect on the local community.

If you want some behind the scenes footage, here is the Blooper Reel.

Hello All, and welcome to religion 101. Today I am going to be talking about Sex and the Bible.

Incest

Ah Incest….The bible talks a lot about incest, whether it’s Lot’s daughters getting him pissed so they could get pregnant by him or Amnon falling in love and raping his Sister, it’s a hot topic!

But what does the bible actually say about Incest? In short it’s wrong unless it’s with an uncle or cousin, in which case it’s fine!

Bestiality

Lets be honest here, if you are consulting the Bible about whether beastiality is right or wrong….well…you probably have a lot more to worry about than what God thinks.

Adultery

God felt this was a big enough sin to list in the the 10 commandments. Basically the bible says if you get jiggy with someone who is not your spouse then both of you should die.

Porn

Porn has been around since before sex was invented so it is naturally mentioned in the bible. Something about gouging your right eye out.

Prostitution

The Bible has a mixed view towards prostitution, at times they go to heaven, sometimes they are condemned. There are countless stories mentioning prostitution including one in which Judah slept with his daughter-in-law thinking that she was a prostitute.

There are a few laws but all that is really clear is priests shouldn’t become or marry prostitutes.

In Conclusion

God likes Sex.

Ahh Friday, a time for relaxation, alcohol, and a look into the disgusting world of search engines..

• “Astro Farm” - Found: Our Home Page
  

Somebody obviously remembering their simple childhood memories of watching astro farm before Father gets home…drunk…again…ouch.

• “Madeleine mccann” - Found: Our Home page

I noticed that her name was spelt wrong… Was this intentional? Is the kidnapper trying to look for her after losing her at Alton Towers? We will never know…

• “genetics ginger people” - Found: Tag: ginger

Ahh the classic history lesson into the origins of ginger people. I heard a rumour that some universities were starting a degree scheme called..Wait for it…: “Ginetics”. Maybe a potential student was trying to get a head start…

It’s been a quiet week for searches. Maybe next week we will discover a shocking revelation into why a search engine can bring down a government.. Then again I will probably be too hungover to care.

YOUR MUM!

…and other such wild accusations cannot really be classed as banter in this day and age, this is largely due to the immaturity factor of such a claim. But, of course, you are no doubt unfamiliar with the immaturity factor; I should explain.

When one wishes to partake in banter, one must first consider a number of factors before just blurting out the first thing that pops into your head. As mentioned above, one such factor is the “Immaturity Factor”. This is quite simply the maturity level which you would expect a statement to come from; the best example of this is the abysmal playground retort “I know you are, but what am I?” This has a maturity level of that of a 6 year old and should never be considered as a good retaliation unless you wish to be ripped to shreds by your peers.

Another very important thing to remember is to make sure the banter is related to what has already been said. That is to say, if a peer produces a direct insult about the size of ones genitals, you must retort with a counter argument in the same vein. Now, this is not to say the more intelligent among you cannot subtly alter the course of the argument by combining two “semi-retaliations”. The best way to show this is with a Gantt Chart.

So, what else is involved in the perfect banter? Well, a small amount of personal knowledge should be known about the target. However, one must not rely on this too heavily because you won’t always have access to such resources and you run the risk of making the banter too personal, which is just not funny. The professional bantarian uses such tools as regional dialects and t-shirts in order to ascertain the area of origin of their target. Regional insults are old classics and will never go out of fashion, but try to avoid the more common insults such as southerners are rich, welsh shag sheep, and northerners are poor. There is a definite saturation of amateur bantarians who simply recite such garbage day in, day out. One must be clever and use regional information, but mould it to their will. For example, we can take the stereotype that southerners are rich, stuck up nonces and magically transform this into a rather delightful bit of banter, thus:

Thus concludes the lesson. Go out, start insulting, but remember the rules and don’t get hurt.

Food is delicious. There’s no beating around the bush here, guys. I mean, come on, food is the reason the word “delicious” was invented, so it almost goes without saying. Almost.

With that said, there are some delicious foods that most of you are probably not eating at all, or if you have managed to get your hands on them, I doubt you’re eating them enough. I could just demand that you all go out and eat more Cheesecake, but if you wanted to do that (And you should want to), you could just go to any shop and buy one. They’re everywhere, and that’s a fact I am thankful for daily.

There are some foods, however, that more than likely slip from your conciousness because they’re not in your face whenever you go to the shops. As students, we really need to take advantage of this time in our lives. We can eat absolutely terribly, explore the limits of our taste-buds, and not feel absurdly guilty about it. I want to share some foods with you that you need to eat more of. Consider this an exposé.

Pop-Tarts

For those of you who enjoy Pop-Tarts on a regular basis, then I applaud you. This is not for you. These deliciously filled breakfast pastries, however, are not readily available. I hardly see them anywhere, which is terrible, especially since they’re made by Kellogg’s, who we all have such an affinity for. I’m sure the majority of you won’t be eating a Pop-Tart as you’re reading this, and that’s a problem. A problem that needs fixin’.

It turns out that large Tesco stores (The Tesco Extra in Cardiff, for example) sell Pop-Tarts in their breakfast snack section. It’s the one with all the breakfast based bars, like Rice Crispies Marshmallow Bars. They’re definitely easy to miss, but make some effort and you’ll be rewarded with the greatest breakfast treat of all time.

Cookie Dough

American television is great, but if there’s one thing that gets me about having to watch all of their awesome TV, it’s that the food they regularly snack on hardly ever gets sold here in the UK. I can’t go out and buy Twinkies like Americans can, so it annoys me when they’re constantly flaunted by the B-List stars of the small screen.

One of my primary obsessions concerning far-western food is their raw cookie dough. Sometimes, I don’t want the bakery to assume that the cooking process needs to be completed. Sometimes I want to snack on the very building blocks of the delicious snacks that they’re offering. Cookie dough fills this void in my life perfectly, but for the longest time I had assumed that it was unavailable here.

Indeed, my only experience in that realm up to a point had been my own trip to America, and a partly failed experiment involving my parents bringing some back for me on the plane. It was not in a good state when it arrived, I can tell you.

Imagine my surprise and almost orgasmic happiness when I found out that Sainsbury’s had been selling cookie dough this entire time? It’s just advertised absolutely horribly. I’m sure they’d see massive sales if they put a giant sign outside telling passing punters that they have cookie dough inside, but whatever. More for me, I guess.

The particular cookie dough I refer to is shown on this website. It’s in the butter aisle at my local Sainsbury’s. Go and buy some, and then devour it. You can thank me after you’ve finished throwing up.

Welcome back to Cooking With Jamie reviewed by that paper you like as being: “the only online student blog column written by Jamie about cooking”

This week I will be teaching you how to make Jamie’s Bolognese Surprise. Perfect for eating, storing, food fighting and paint stripping!

Food Facts

No. of your 5 a day: 2

Preparation Time: 2-5 Minutes (Depending on how fast you can chop onions and mushrooms)

Cooking Time: 10-20 Minutes

Alcohol Units: 0-9 (Depends on how much of the Wine you drink)

Chance of Burning Down Your Student House/Flat: 23%

Yumminess Rating: Yellow

Healthiness Rating: Bananarific!

Ingredients

• One Onion - Chopped
• Some Mushrooms - Chopped
• Minced Beef (Substitute for Vegetarian Option if you want, it won’t hurt my feelings)
• Basil
• Oregano
• Black Pepper
• Tomato Passata
• A Bottle of Cheap Red Wine

Note: Just in case you didn’t know, Tomato Passata is basically made from ripe tomatoes that have been puréed and sieved to remove the skin and seeds. You can buy it from Tesco’s for 30p and it is an awesome cooking ingredient.

Method

1. Add mushrooms and onions to a frying pan and fry until onions smell nice (about 1-2 Minutes)
2. Add beef and fry until beef is a nice brown colour -you know the score, don’t poison yourself
3. Add Tomato Passata (The amount depends on how many servings you want or how greedy you are). You will need enough to cover the beef.
4. Add a glass of red wine to the mixture. If you like alcohol now is the time to start drinking the rest of the wine. If people ask, you are just “testing” to see if the flavour will blend with the herbs.
5. Season with Oregano and Basil. This takes practice and a lot of overly and under-seasoned dishes before you can work out the right about.
6. Leave to simmer for as long as you want. Five minutes seems to work well but depending on how hungry you are you can leave it for a while, stirring occasionally.
7. Add the black pepper to season and enjoy with spaghetti or some other type of food.

I hope you enjoyed Cooking with Jamie, tune in next time when I will be telling you how to make the perfect plate of Nachos!

It is a dark night in the city and everything seems quiet. Drunken revellers stumble home, Kebab shop owners count their nights takings and a lone criminal stalks the streets. The assailant singles out one vulnerable student like a lion with a gazelle. Five minutes later it is all over for the victim, left for dead in the gutter.

Fast forward twenty four hours and Crimewatch is on. The attack has hit the papers and a reconstruction is required to try and jog people’s short chemical riddled memories. Many people have seen these reconstructions but few know the process that happens to bring a crime to life. This article aims to shed some light on this largely mysterious media technique.

1. Anonymity

It is important all involved parties are protected, even those actors participating in the reconstruction. It is also vital that these actors do not have any form of likeness to the criminal or the victim as this could cause a memory imbalance or “Madeline McCann hysteria” in the viewers and block the telephone lines. Here is a picture of a criminal and another picture highlighting what the actor should look like:

The Criminal

The Actor

Notice the key differences here: The criminal is wearing a hooded top or “hoodie” with a baseball cap. In contrast the actor is wearing standard non-threatening attire. The criminal is clearly brandishing a weapon where as the actor is enjoying a cold alcohol based beverage. These differences are implemented on purpose to trick the criminal into thinking that they were not seen and that they are in the clear. Note: It is also required that the actor has a completely different accent to the actual criminal. E.g: If the criminal is Welsh, the actor should have a London based or Scandinavian accent.

2. Time of Day

The colour wheel principle works well here. If the attack occurred at night, the reconstruction will take place in broad daylight. This is to try and confuse the watching criminal into thinking the reconstruction is about a different crime. The hope is that they will come forward to correct the producers and be caught.

3. Gratuitous Violence

The modern day Crimewatch viewer has a Bronstein’s viewer span of 3 which roughly equates to about five minutes viewing per hour. It is therefore important to use a certain artistic license to retain the viewer’s interest. Here is an example of the reconstruction scene after a standard burglary:

At first glance, this looks like a real crime scene photo taken straight from the likes of CSI or The X-Files. However if you look closer you can see that it was in fact a staged photo intended to shock the viewer so they continue watching. The most obvious detail is the fake blood. This is due to budget shortages at the BBC that were caused by the Blue Peter cocaine scandal of 2001. Another subtle but important difference is the reference number at the top right of the picture. Since 2004 the police have used code words instead of reference numbers. For example in this case instead of “5628″ the word would be “Stabbykitchen”.

Conclusion:

A reconstruction is a very detailed process designed to bring criminals to justice without revealing their identity to the nation. Since the guidelines of crime reconstruction were published in the best selling book: How to catch a villian: Reconstruction 101, Success rates in catching the criminals involved have increased by over 83%.

Welcome to a new quasi-regular feature on The All Nighter. Periodically I will be reviewing music artists and telling you why I think they should “Disappear”. This time I will be talking you about 50 “Wow Look How Much Of A Cunt I Am” Cent

Ok, this cunt really gets on my tits. I mean I am all for this new fangled “rap” music but this guy is just an annoying cunt who got lucky.

Now if you read into his life a little, it’s a bit of a sob story. Born to a 15 year old crack whore, Curtis was orphaned at the age of 8 and so decided to become a cunt.

At the age of twelve Curtis started dealing narcotics, he later went on to carrying guns to school. After getting caught by a metal detector he began being open with his grandparents telling them openly that he sold drugs. Having already raised a crack whore they probably thought that it was an achievement that all he was doing at this point was selling drugs and carrying firearms.

Later on in his life the world had a brief chance at hope when Curtis was shot nine times. To much dismay, the cunt survived. Later, commenting on the incident Curtis said: “It happens so fast that you don’t even get a chance to shoot back.” Just the kind of role model I want for my kids.

After all this hassle Curtis settled down and started making shit music about hookers, drugs, shooting people and making money. His fans ate that shit up.

But none of this compares to what the little retarded cunt did next. He licensed a god damn video game! Not even a “ah it’s worth extending the violent perception of video games because it’s a god damn awesome game” like Super Mario Land or GTA. Nope he licensed a shit video game, where he goes around shooting every cunt he sees. And now he has another one coming out where he goes to Iraq / <insert middle eastern country here> and….yes you guessed right…..shoots every cunt he sees.

Did I mention that he is a cunt?

Welcome to yet another regular feature on The All Nighter that will provide you with the knowledge you need to lead a sinless life without suffering the persecution of the rest of society.

This week on When to hide being religious: The Job Interview.

The hardest part of climbing the career ladder is the job interview. If done well you can get the job of your dreams, but if you do not impress your potential employer you will be forever cast out and God does not look favourably on failures. These guidelines should of course be used in conjunction with the ten commandments.

Here are the answers you should and should not give to the following interview questions:

1. What previous experience do you have in the field of Network Security?
DO NOT SAY: “When Jesus rode through Rome on the back of his steed. He did not stumble or lose his way, for he had Google Maps illuminating the path in front of him” : - Book of Brandine 23:2

DO SAY: I have 5 years experience auditing the security for Intel’s LAN at their Basingstoke headquarters.

2. Do you have any extreme political or religious views?

DO NOT SAY: I am a christian.

DO SAY: I tolerate all religions and political views. (It is very important that this lie works as most jobs hinge on your ability to be a convincing liar.)

3. What made you want to join this company?

DO NOT SAY: I noticed you operate on Sundays so through a series of Union rallies and bible readings, I hope to rectify this so you do not all burn in the hell fire.

DO SAY: I agree with your 7 day week policy and will always be committed to aiding SATAN the company in all it’s ventures.

4. What is your biggest weakness?

DO NOT SAY: “If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.” - 2 Corinthians 11:30

DO SAY: Like all functional members of society, my dependency on alcohol is probably my biggest weakness. Do not expect me to have a high work rate on a Monday morning but be assured, my one night stand with Sarah from human resources will not affect my work.

5. Do you have any questions for me?

DO NOT SAY: Have you accepted Jesus as your Lord and saviour?

DO SAY: Ask about the promotion and wage prospects as any boss will hire you if he believes you to be greedy or sinful in any way.

These five questions will always come up in an interview so it is important to remember the answers provided. God will always save those that use their initiative for financial gain.

Next week: In the Supermarket