Welcome to <Insert New Feature here> If the Internet becomes Censored. We will be bringing you different scenarios from around the world that could become a reality if those bastards at the “Anti Free-Speech Action Group” (A.K.A the government LOL!!11111111111111111oneone) get their own way.

To start with here is a completely real blog I found that seemed to end suddenly yesterday. The website has been shut down but here is what I managed to find. Enjoy!

Sunday 29th June 2008:

In honour of our Dear Leader Kim Jong-il, I write this to praise another great week in the paradise of North Korea.

On Tuesday a coach broke down just outside our fair capital Pyongyang. It could have created some disruption for the commuters of the day but was quickly repaired by the state run mechanic service. Some mis-informed traitors tried to describe the event as a tragic accident that claimed the lives of all on board. These fools believe the accident was caused by a giant statue of our dear leader falling onto the coach and then bursting into flames. (The statue not the coach.) This is ludicrous!

The Television of the week inspired me to be a better citizen. Did you know our Dear Leader has a 15″ long penis and can jump across the Demilitarized Zone in one jump? He is surely a role model to behold.

On Wednesday the streets seemed different, almost quieter. I then realised that all of the starving children had gone! The education and nutrition camps must be completed because all of the children were nowhere to be seen. I’m glad these young Koreans are getting the chance to contribute to society.

Thursday brought about a strange turn of events: I walked into a restaurant I had never been in before to try the new cuisine but when I crossed the threshold I noticed that the building was just an empty shell. There was nothing inside but four walls and a roof. I had heard from a vagrant that Kim Jong-il builds empty buildings to create the illusion of a prosperous city. This surely cannot be true?

Now I think about it, there are a lot of strange things in this country. The lack of Big Brother, day time television and happiness of any kind to name a few. That coach did look very black and “sooty” when it was put back into service and I never see any stray cats or dogs outside of the restaurants that do exist. Let me just save this as a draft and I will think about this more. If I had one criticism for North Korea it would be that the government has a strange tendency to block any kind of oppo

It just ends there. Next week: The words you won’t be able to say on the Internet.

My contributions to this website of late - contributions that you are all sorely missing, I am sure - have been fuelled both by my laziness, as with the rest of the staff, and the fact that I am in Spain. I’m sure my actions can be forgiven on that basis alone. Since I love you all, however, I’ve decided to write this post from the cyber cafe in my Spanish town.

And you’d better all be grateful because this keyboard is weird as shit.

So, onto gender. I have decided to bring to your attention the differences between men and women that some of you may not consider all too often:

Public erections versus periods
Men have penises. It leads to public erections. Whilst women don’t have penises, and therefore don’t have to suffer through “flying their main flag” in sight of others, they still have vaginas and have to bleed once a month. I’m honestly not sure which is worse. Women will tell you that the latter is far worse, but they’re always whining about something (See the next point) so I’m not sure I can trust their judgement.

Women have sanitary products that all but eliminate the publically noticable side-effects of their particular problem. Wouldn’t it be great if there was some kind of pad we could wrap around our penis that would stop other people being able to see when we start straining at the fabric for no reason?

Sobbing like a fool versus being awesome
I’ve noticed that women like to moan about things. Wearing your heart on your sleeve may be useful in a councilling session, but when men like me have to sit near anyone who’s being emotional, it’s balls. First of all, I don’t know how to deal with that shit, because I never experience it myself. Second of all, no-one likes someone else being down because it becomes less fun to be with them. Crying, or being upset, or angry, and expecting someone to “be there for you” is a sure-fire way to alienate male friends who aren’t gay or extremely camp.

Fashion versus not giving a shit
I have nothing against men being fashionable. There is a whole science of men’s fashion that I enjoy myself, even if I don’t partake in it very often. However, men are perfectly capable of living their entire life without trying to be fashionable. As long as they’re wearing simple clothes, plenty of girls will look their way and they’ll be happy. Women, on the other hand, seem to devote a significant portion of their time solely to fashion. The vice gripping so many female minds somehow convinces them that they have to look fashionable to be noticed. How many of them have realised that in today’s fashionable world, simple clothes would actually stand out more? Probably not many.

After a short holiday into the work related arena, SEWeR is back and is as meaningless as ever! This week promises to cause a loss of faith in humanity, a desire for alcohol and an admiration of me.

• “im 42 and look like shit. the skin on my face is dull” Found: I don’t want to know

Is that you Jamie? I think we have found the next contestant for: “Extreme spot welding surgery makeover hyperforce”

• “risk for staying up 42 hours” Found: Probably our website..Funnily enough

Well, hallucinations, a sense of worthlessness. Who searches for such a specific time on a risk factor? I didn’t realise every human was that precise. I might research the risks of driving at 117mph on a road with 0.34 inches of snow on the ground.

• “unrealistic hair bullshit” Found: Tag: Hair

Well, I’m glad to see people are branching out on their search engine terms. Maybe somebody was trying to find out what anime characters looked like or why wigs always look like wigs. I just don’t know. One thing I do know is that using swear words in Google triggers an algorithm that will send the “GoogleSquad” to your address to give you a stern talking to.

Next week we may or may not have a SEWeR update. It all depends on three factors:



1. How lazy I’m feeling.
2. Whether the internetters feel stupid enough to type random words into Google.
3. The lunar cycle.

Well that’s all for this week. Have fun blogging the intersphere and riding that web of surfing!

A quick word from our sponsors…

Welcome back to Cooking With Jamie, currently under review by 4 of the worlds food standards agencies!

This week I will be teaching you how to make Jamie’s Homemade Chips Perfect for attacking cravings, desires and potential healthy hearts!

Food Facts

No. of your 5 a day:0

Preparation Time: 10-15 Minutes

Cooking Time: 20 Minutes

Alcohol Units: 0

Chance of Burning Down Your Student House/Flat: 54%

Yumminess Rating: Tom Hanks!

Healthiness Rating: Toothpaste

Ingredients

• Potatoes
• Paprika
• Turmeric
• Oregano

Method

1. Cut potatoes into chips
2. Boil Chips for about 10 minutes or until soft-ish
3. Drain, place on baking tray and season with: Paprika, Turmeric and Oregano
4. Bake in oven on high heat for 20 minutes or until desired crispiness, shaking the tray every 5 minutes or so to avoid sticking.
5. Serve with peas (I love peas)

I hope you enjoyed Cooking with Jamie, tune in next time when I will be telling you how to make Jamie’s Cheese and Potato Bake!

Ahh Cocktails, Spirits, Mixers.. All the guilty pleasures of getting wasted. A good cocktail should get you drunk while still being manly. A manly cocktail should obviously contain the following:

This last point is where most cocktails fail. Now, these drinks are usually quite pricey to ensure only the manliest men can afford to savour that manly alcoholic taste. However you only get around 50ml of actual liquid because the rest of the drink is always ice. Just ice. Nothing else. Cunts.

Now I know bar staff are told how to make the cocktails so this is not entirely their fault, but as the great wise man Pilot “The Thinker” Wesley once said: “He who accepts tryanny and does not initiate a revolution is as guilty as the tyrant”.

There, I’ve said it. The bar staff are as guilty as those money grabbing managers who enforce the “Let’s fill the jug with ice and ruin a awesome drink” method.

I propose several alternatives to filling the cocktail jug with ice:

• Fill the jug with manly things like guns, tanks and cars.
• Use the ice as a coolant for my awesome manly crotch.
• Don’t fill the jug with ice.

If any of these points replace the ice, I will be happy. I will buy more cocktails and everybody will be happy.

Fact: The more cocktails you drink, the more of a man you are.

To prove this fact, here is the amount of times I’ve used “Cock” from cocktail in this article: 9
Here is the amount of times I’ve used the word manly in this article: 4

That’s some big numbers there.

I have used manly a lot, I should do something softer to counter act this testosterone filled cocktail related article.. A nice bubble bath should do the trick.

Next Week: The Drink Loiterer.

It’s okay for men to drink cocktails right?

As you may have noticed, the All Nighter staff have gone a couple of days without updating. This is due to a problem at one of our data centreswhich was caused by Serbian Militia breaking in and attempting to steal one of our servers. Fortunately they were stopped by Royal Marine Commandos and nothing of value was taken.

Seriously though, we have just been a bit lazy lately and four of us have all started full time work to pay for our summer escapades. Don’t worry though! Normal service will be resumed in the next couple of days!

The All Nighter Team

Like oil and water, I.T and retail do not mix. I.T provides the equipment and services that allow people to download 68Gb’s of porn onto one external hard-drive. Retail provides that friendly one to one experience that makes it easier to find equipment to download that porn faster. It should be an excellent combination except for one small problem.

People who know anything about computing, I.T or anything related to that field hate retail with a passion.

To illustrate my tedious and badly thought out point, let me set the scene a bit for you:

I’m writing this article while working in the appropriately named “I.T Shop” in the students union of Cardiff Uni. It’s like a ghost town since pretty much every student has gone home for the summer and it’s a perfect time for me to rant. The I.T Shop sells laptops, computer accessories and also offers repair, upgrade and rental services. We also sell stationery. In terms of quantity, the I.T shop sells more stationery than any other product.

Here is where the problem arises. Customers believe that repairing a laptop is a lot like buying a ring binder. You decide what you want,  pay for it and that’s it. What they don’t realise is that we are not wizards of technology.

If you give us the go ahead to replace your hard-drive and install Windows on to it at 3:10pm, it won’t be ready at 4:00pm when we close. Let me break down the process for you:  Windows takes at least 45 minutes to install, another 15 minutes to install drivers and up to 30 minutes to install the other crap you wanted. OH WAIT, you forgot the hour it takes to copy your shitty music back onto your shitty laptop from the backup server. That is at least two and a half hours, not the magical 50 minutes you think it takes. The thing is, we explained to the customer at the time that it would definitely not be ready by closing. Yet she calls us up dead on 4:00pm like some impatient sex line user. This is a true case and to highlight what kind of customer has these unrealistic expectations of us, this is a picture of the underside of her laptop:

She told us she put it on an iron. As you can see it’s melted right through to the motherboard. What’s more magical is that it still works. If a customer can melt a laptop, she cannot be expected to understand ANYTHING about ANYTHING.

The point I’m trying to make is this: I.T Technicians have social skills, they can talk to customers without any problems. What we all hate is the fact that virtually every customer thinks the following:

1. They are always right about everything (This will turn into another article).

2. Fixing a laptop never costs any money and takes little to no time at all.

Once customers realise both these points are fictitious, retail and I.T can get into that committed long term relationship. Until then, they will never be together.

I have to admit that I didn’t buy an XBox 360 with the sole intention of purchasing games off of the online marketplace. However, I found myself today playing a game which Microsoft deemed “Retro” but in which I could find no single aspect of culture which provided me, as the gamer, with a heightened sense of nostalgia or joy in the fact that I was interacting with it.

The game, Sensible World Of Soccer first caught my eye and I was immediately reminded of old greats such as International Superstar Soccer (ISS) Pro or FIFA 95. On first inspection the game seemed to be antique but with a charm of its own. I chuckled as I noticed the Danish keeper was called V. Schamauchal. Then disaster struck…

As everyone is no doubt aware, when you play a demo you tend to button bash before actually looking at the controls because it doesnt really matter. After a few short minutes which felt like an hour, I worked out that there is one single button for “Shoot/Pass/Slide Tackle” and the left stick just moves the player.

Now to the interesting bit. I never managed to actually score a goal, though I witnessed countless shots sail into the top corners of the net from the opposing team. It seemed that every time my players entered the other half if you tried to get them to change direction they would inexcusably leave the ball rolling while they ran off like they had left the gas on. On the one occasion that I did, in fact manage to approach the six yard box I focused all my attention on simply hitting the “Shoot/Pass/Slide Tackle” button (or magic button as I have taken to calling it) but instead of shooting the ball towards the net (even a pass would have done), my player decided that scoring a goal was not very sporting and for no good reason turned and pelted the ball back towards the centre of the pitch.

If I were to invest in any game, it would not be this one, due to its lack of… anything. I’m sure that this game will have a following of spotty kids who think the game is awesome just to be different, and there are no doubt web forums which have been set up, full of specky cunts discussing the intricacies of the game and putting reason to why it is a good thing that you can play a game of football with the abject inability to score (not unlike Luca Toni, but that’s another matter).

All in all I give this game -3/10, and I demand a refund of my time from the manufacturer.

Welcome back to Cooking With Jamie, reviewed by Radio 2 Review Hour as being: “An excellent post modernist adaption of nineteenth century romantic works”

This week I will be teaching you how to make Jamie’s Cottage Pie. Perfect for families, couples and non-breeders.

Food Facts

No. of your 5 a day: 3

Preparation Time: 15 Minutes

Cooking Time: 30 Minutes

Alcohol Units: 0

Chance of Burning Down Your Student House/Flat: 76%

Yumminess Rating: w00t!

Healthiness Rating: Blancmange

Ingredients

• Potato
• Minced Beef
• Onion
• Carrots
• Peas

Method

1. Prepare the food by chopping the onions and carrots into handy fryable pieces.
2. Start boiling the potatoes
3. Continue boiling the potatoes
4. Seriously, the potatoes take the longest.
5. About half way through boiling you want to add the carrots and 5 minutes later add the Peas
6. Start frying the mince and onions
7. By now you should have a frying pan full of nice smelling mince and onions, and a saucepan of ready-to-mash potato, peas and carrots.
8. Guess….Mash the contents of the saucepan (drain first)
9. Grab an oven-proof bowl of some kind (casserole dish??) And first add the mince and onions.
10. Next create a layer of mash, this serves as the topping.
11. Bake at a suitable heat (I find medium is good) for about 10-15 minutes, I have no idea why this step exists, all the food is cooked. I just do it because I am waiting for the side of chips to finish baking and the side of peas to boil.
12. Eat!

I hope you enjoyed Cooking with Jamie, tune in next time when I will be telling you how to make Jamie’s Homemade Chips!