By now, I’m sure you are questioning why I am so concerned with the health and wellbeing of others who take the personal decision not to engage in personal hygiene. The answer is simple: these people leave the bathroom to go and interact with other members of society, and it is DIRTY! I don’t want to shake hands with someone who has still got knob juice all over their fingers, even worse, cock slobber which may have been present from hours before.

It is for this reason that I am spearheading a compaign to flat out TELL people (rather than encourage) to wash their hands after handling the python. I propose signs in restrooms up and down the country. Ranging from small stickers on mirrors saying “Wash Your F*#%ing Hands” to A3 posters with catchy slogans such as “We Dont Rub Against Your Crotch So Dont Rub Your Crotch On Us”, or for those in food preparation, “Don’t Touch Stock If You’ve Touched Cock” or “Don’t Just Rince Then Put It In The Mince”.

Sleeping
Never underestimate the enjoyment that a man gets from the ability to disconnect himself from the real world, with its annoying little quips and mind-numbingly stupid inhabitants. When unconscious, a man can be a James Bond-esque character with an arsenal of awesome firearms at his disposal and enough charisma to fill a Citroen C4 twice over.
A man’s mind gives him the ability to do whatever he wishes. It is a place where he can scale the highest peak and dive the deepest ocean, the cars are fast and the women are in abundance and incredibly suggestible.
To women, the act of slumber is merely a practical undertaking to rid them of the fatigues of everyday life, and leave them fresh and ready for the next day. For a man, sleep is a hobby.

Eating
When it comes to gentlemanly enjoyment, little can compare to the elation derived from mastication. You see, a recurring theme in this article is that the things which men enjoy most are the things which women see as purely mundane chores; meaningless tasks which need to be carried out in order to continue existence.
Allow me to elaborate. When a man sits down to a large meal in the company of others (more than just his wife/spouse/significant other), namely in the presence of other men, he does not see a delicious meal which he is about to eat, but a challenge - another way in which he can assert his masculinity in front of others by showing that the quantities of food he can consume far outweigh that of any other person present. The rate of consumption is also a factor; there is no point proving you can eat so much food if it takes you twice as long as everyone else. (Then you just look like a dick and others present have to sit idly by as you sweat out and slobber over the rest of your meal when all they want is dessert.)

Producing Feces
In at number two… (get it?) There are many reasons why taking a dump rates so highly on the male pleasure chart. Firstly, it provides the man a chance to reflect: if your schedule dictates you “drop log” at the start of the day, it provides you with the opportunity to plan ahead on the comfort of one’s throne exactly what you are going to be doing. If nature decides to call in the evening, then you are able to look back over the past day’s shenanigans and reflect on the most enjoyable part, or perhaps plan the day which is yet to come.
You see, “unloading” is one of the most peaceful times of the day. You can do whatever you want and not worry about interference, you can read the newspaper for 10-15 minutes, or do a quick crossword (or write an article for your website… hang on, I gotta wipe…
.
.
..).
I’m not saying that being alone is the ONLY benefit of “seeing Mr Brown and his friends off to the coast”. Some just like the feeling of foecal matter pressing on their prostate. (But that’s another matter.)

Recreational Coitus
Woohoo! Number 1. The best activity in which a man can engage. And why not? Why be ashamed about it? Man has evolved over millions of years, having been pruned and perfected along the way, and we are pre-programmed from before birth to seek out “pink tacco”. Now I know what you are thinking, this is a very male-oriented website - in particular, YOUNG males. But I am not here to make it hard or drop a load on you; I just want to give it to you straight, and not make any puns.
I believe that this one requires little explanation. We all know how enthusiastic men get about sex (overenthusiasm can get you into a lot of trouble), but that is for one good reason; for most men it is the driving force behind their very existence. Now to those of you with ovaries, this may seem rather juvanile or primitive, and that’s because it is. But at the same time, we don’t care, because every man is the same, every man is immature and infantile, every man likes to pick their nose and bite their nails, and every man likes to be inappropriate every once in a while. But it is throughout the course of writing this article that I have come to realise… Being a man is awesome!

*The term ‘consensus’ used in this context is perhaps rather vague in its scope. The number of individuals actually surveyed for their opinion on this matter was, in fact, limited to the individual views of me and Jim.

However, I have realised that I have become increasingly annoyed with morning radio shows, particularly on BBC Radio 1. I have only had a clock radio for a matter of months, but my experiences in that time allow me to tell you that morning broadcasts leave little to be desired.

As much as I like Chris Moyles, he does not make decent morning radio. Okay, okay, this is perhaps a little unfair as I have not as yet detailed the requirements for what makes good morning radio.

A show must:

• Be lively enough that it actually motivates my lazy ass out of bed
• Contain enough music I want to hear (as with ANY station)
• Be presented by interesting characters
• Not contain enough advertisements to make my ears bleed
• Generally get my day off to a cheerful start.

Now, against this, I can offer up a considered review of the Moyles show:

1. Liveliness - FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR too much talking and dicking about. These guys CAN be funny, but the actual funny bits are hidden away amongst the drab, tasteless, and often offensive humour. However, there is a time and a place. I don’t really want to be woken by three grown men just having a chat.
2. Music - Barely in existence. This appears to be a mainly chat-based show. Bad broadcasting. Music will wake me up, whereas chatting will just give me freaky dreams.
3. Characters - Okay, here they are actually not bad.
4. Advertisements - The BBC famously contains no adverts other than those directed towards their own shows (not really adverts, more like reminders). This I like - advertisements (although the driving force of all sports funding) are the bane of my life and I find myself making a constant effort to ignore them.*
5. Cheeriness-ometer -If it doesn’t wake me up, how can it make me cheery? If anything, it angers me because it HASN’T woken me up.

Arbitrary Score: 3/10

*On a side note, ANYONE who hears the first 5 notes of a certain advert then sings “I’m lovin’ it” should be executed on the spot. Alternatively, anyone who finishes off “Autoglass repair, autoglass replace” is a total doofus and should not be allowed access to the media with such a gullible mind.

I am fully aware that they are more of an attempt to teach the concept of morals to children, and are therefore frequently referenced in school assemblies. Possibly the most famous fable is the tortoise and the hare, teaching the lesson that ’slow and steady wins the race’. Despite the fact that this is complete bollocks (let’s put a McLaren F1 against a Morris Minor and see who wins), it is not this story which I am here to discuss.

Perhaps a copy and paste from another website will aide me in my explanation here…

At one time the Fox and the Stork were on visiting terms and seemed very good friends. So the Fox invited the Stork to dinner, and for a joke put nothing before her but some soup in a very shallow dish. This the Fox could easily lap up, but the Stork could only wet the end of her long bill in it, and left the meal as hungry as when she began. “I am sorry,” said the Fox, “That the soup is not to your liking.”

“Pray do not apologise,” said the Stork. “I hope you will return this visit, and come and dine with me soon.” So a day was appointed when the Fox should visit the Stork; but when they were seated at the table, all that was for their dinner was contained in a very long-necked jar with a narrow mouth, in which the Fox could not insert his snout, so all he could manage to do was to lick the outside of the jar.

“I will not apologise for the dinner,” said the Stork:

“One bad turn deserves another.”

So you see, the fox invites the stork round to his house for a spot of soup, but plays a mean trick on him by putting it in a shallow bowl so the stork can’t eat it and goes hungry. This is all well and good, the fox has managed to get a good prank on the go, the stork is embarrassed and no doubt the fox will laugh about it later down the pub with the guys. But what happens next is just childish on the stork’s behalf.

The stork, having been lightly humiliated, then decides to play the exact same prank on the fox. It is at this point where we have to bring the fox’s judgement into question. It is either downright arrogance or overwhelming naivety which drives the fox to accept the stork’s invitation. If it were me in this situation, I’d see where this was going and just turn down the invitation whilst I was ahead, and just say “I’m sorry, but I’m busy” or “How stupid do you think I am, you beaky twat?” depending on how sure I was that he was trying to play a practical joke. Well, in all honesty, I would probably be rather alarmed that I was talking to a stork, but that is just conjecture.

All I’m really trying to say is, isn’t it about time we stopped using Aesop’s Fables as a basis with which to teach children the concepts of morals and life lessons, and just start telling them directly to “watch out for pranksters”? The fables are all well and good but I’m sure they could be improved upon given that I am almost completely sure my children will not have beaks anyway, but again, this is just conjecture.

Happy Birthday, old chum!

So as a quick, rough guide to pushing the ceiling (P-ing The C) I have drawn a few accurate representations of the steps required in paint so that there is no mis understanding and perhaps people will see just how awesome you could look in a club.

Step 1: Put your hands up in the air like you just don’t care
Step 2: Slightly lower your hands as if slightly strained

Step 3: Repeat

Anyone who has had to deal with a tech support team has more than likely been asked this question at least once. I, myself, a member of an IT support department, have used the phrase on numerous occasions. But the truth remains that although IT ‘bods’ are constantly offering it up as an apparent all-round answer, technicians themselves rarely have the need to reboot a machine. My personal computer is on almost 24/7 and gets rebooted perhaps once a month if there is a power cut or if I install some device drivers.

A PC only really needs to be rebooted when:

• Installing/Removing software which requires access to modify core operating system files
• Memory errors occur (although extremely infrequent due to modern programming techniques)
• A rogue program with a handle on a device doesn’t close down properly, rendering the device either locked or stunting access

But for the average user of a personal computer within an office environment such as where I work, the above situations are incredibly rare. So my question has to be, do we really need to tell users to reboot? For the majority of cases the user is using either Microsoft(R) Word or Microsoft(R) Internet Explorer, which are both items of applications software. Problems in such can be soved by simply killing the process (which is as simple as clicking the cross in Windows), and reopening the application.

I hope that I have managed to convey my point; that although rebooting a machine is a rather drawn out process which causes frustration to the user, and a direct lack of productivity to the company, IT technicians will still instruct users to do a full reboot of the machine in order to fix the problem, despite the fact that it is more likely that time could be saved by simply instructing the user around the problem. Not only is this a direct solution to the problem, but it also saves time and effort in case of a recurrant problem. If it happens again then the user will not bother to phone IT again, they will simply perform the task they were instructed to do last time, hampering employee productivity on company time.

I encourage discussion on this topic as I would like the website to become more of a forum for like-minded people and students to actually get involved and have a say. But maybe that’s just me. I am aware that some writers are just in it for the narcissistic pleasure of being funny to their peers, or perhaps I am wrong…

While out shopping for a shirt for my birthday, I noticed a new advertisement campaign in a well known high street shopping establishment. Rather than using suggestion or emblazening low prices up the wall in order to entice the purchase of the products on offer, the display consisted mainly of just the words “Buy It Now” in different colors and hand writing all over a mirror.

WTF?!

To me, at least, this display was a shock, but oddly refreshing. Adverts shouldn’t need to caress you gently then casually offer the product, there is no need to have the item in question draped over an attractive model, fuck it, lets all just start writing “Buy It Now”. Retailers should start just offering up products and leave the choice down to the consumer. And although “buy it now” is a rather direct and crass approach, I feel it is a step in the right direction for the future of marketing. Well done ‘well known high street shop’.