In the life of a student, there comes a time when you must put aside the taxi ride home and brave the long walk. At these times, it is permissible that some strange and wonderful things happen which often end up with you waking up somewhere that is not your bed. I, being quite the expert in this field, have decided to compile a list of the top seven places you can end up.

1. A Park - The grass, the trees, the commuters on their way to work; nothing says ‘What a fucking night’ like waking up in a tree. Bonus point for sticking around and laughing at the work-bound people.
2. A Different Town/City/Country - You must have been completely wasted last night! Now you are stuck in a random town with no money and your phone is dead. Better get hitchhiking back… but what a story to share.
3. A Random House - No, you did not get lucky last night. You just completely lost track of where you were and ended up in a random house. Luckily, most of us students are kind and will laugh it off the next morning.
4. In the City Centre - “Oooh, Burger King. Wait! I know that Burger King… Wait… Why am I outside Burger King?” - You just stopped on your way home; never mind, at least you know the way. Better get walking.
5. Damn, I’m out at 5… I’ll finish this off once I’ve woken up in a few more places.

I’m an Information Systems student who has worked extensively with and knows plenty of Computer Science students. Since the other authors of this site are in the latter category, and a lot of their friends must read this site at one point or another, I’m going to assume a basic knowledge of the recent happenings related to Google. For anyone who doesn’t keep up with the digital times: They’ve released a browser, called Chrome.

Google have tried hard to differentiate their new browser from the other major four browsers on the scene right now. They’ve done a good job, as far as I’m concerned, except for in one area. Here are the icons for the current market leaders in the browser space:

Internet Explorer, Firefox, Opera and Safari

These are the four browsers that currently rule the roost when it comes to surfing the internet. Odds are 99% of people in the world are using one of these browsers.

Here, then, is the icon for Chrome, Google’s new browser:

Google's Chrome

Hopefully anyone who’s interested in pattern recognition (So, the autistics amongst you) will have noticed something that all five browser icons have in common. If it’s not jumping out of the page at you yet, the similiarity between all these icons is that they’re as round as a button.

After all their efforts, it turns out all Google needed in order to differentiate themselves was to use a square fucking icon.

Among my many other endeavours, I have a great desire to bring back the dance move “Push The Ceiling” (hereafter called PTC). Believe it or not, a google search for that very phrase returns shockingly few results relevant to the topic. Even wikipedia is baron on the subject (I emplore any of you all nighters out there to make an article for me).

So as a quick, rough guide to pushing the ceiling (P-ing The C) I have drawn a few accurate representations of the steps required in paint so that there is no mis understanding and perhaps people will see just how awesome you could look in a club.

Step 1: Put your hands up in the air like you just don’t care
Step 2: Slightly lower your hands as if slightly strained

Step 3: Repeat

Girls…they are a funny breed. I would like to take a moment to discuss my type with you.

There have been several (drunken) nights (/mornings) where the topic has come up, but up until now I don’t think I have ever given a coherent answer. Following is a description of my type (punctuated with experiences of the exact opposite).

My type of girl is:

Intelligent - Maybe it is just me but I find nerdiness attractive. They must like reading. I don’t care what. A willingness to learn new things, challenge their own views, accept different points of views. An example of the opposite of this would be a conversation I overheard two people in a canteen having.

Girl : I would love to join a book club…but then you have to read, and most of the books have underlying messages and philosophies which I will never pick up on
Guy : Yeah, I know what you mean, I am quite happy to stick with the £2.99 basic fiction books, nice and straight forward.

Girl: Yeah.

Seriously. What the fuck? From what I can figure out, she wanted to join a book club that read basic trash fiction and on top of that, you don’t want to have to read the damn book! Needless to say, I didn’t bother trying to listen in further.

Quirky - I hate normal, definition by imitation. The quirks in people are the best bits. Someone who thinks watching squirrels frolicking in the middle of a deserted park is a perfectly acceptable way to spend dawn.

Now there is a kind of loop hole here. There is quirky and then there is just plain annoying. I will be the first to admit I don’t have a fashion sense, at all. Most of my clothes are the same so I don’t have to worry about what to wear on a given day. So being told by a girl while I was out at a club that I looked hotter without my jacket was quite an insight - For my following point to make sense you should know I have a very self centered locus of control, I hate not being in control - So where was I, oh yeah the hotness remark, so she told me that I looked hotter without my jacket. She then decided to make it her mission to remove me from my jacket.

Note i said “remove me from my jacket” not “taking my jacket off me.” I have never sobered up faster in my life, not because this girl was quite hot and seemingly interested, no, I sobered up because I had lost control over the situation. For the next 2-3 minutes, I was worrying about where my fucking jacket was.

So yeah, quirky, but not in a way that invades my control space!

Stupid - Having done some extremely stupid things in the last few years I find it hard not to be attracted to someone who has done the same.

I should probably define stupid here. Stupid as in, will burst out laughing when they realise they have woken up in the middle of a field with no idea how to get home. Maybe stupid is the wrong word, a better way to put it would be “Ability to identify and accept their own stupidity)

Here I shall give an example of the good kind of stupidity. In a club a few weeks back, actually, I just realised I can’t actually describe to you what happened leading up to this incident because I don’t actually remember.

Guess I will just have to describe the act in a sentance. Ballroom dancing to 90’s cheese.

Now onto the specifics….

Ok…so there above are three very general concepts, now onto the specifics:

• Left Wing
• Interested in politics/philosophy/culture
• Atheist/Agnostic/Anything that is not a mainstream Abrahamic religion. Deists welcome.
• They have to like penguins.
  
• Slightly goth/punk is a plus but not essential
• Musical - Being able to play an instrument, even if it’s as crappy as I play the guitar, is definitely another plus.
  

In Conclusion…

If anyone knows where I can find the girl described above….please let me know.

I feel that this website is in need of some more intellectual discussion, in order to move away from the apparent shovenistic approach our writing staff have seemed to slipped in to unchecked. This article is more just a thought, a musing if you will…

Anyone who has had to deal with a tech support team has more than likely been asked this question at least once. I, myself, a member of an IT support department, have used the phrase on numerous occasions. But the truth remains that although IT ‘bods’ are constantly offering it up as an apparent all-round answer, technicians themselves rarely have the need to reboot a machine. My personal computer is on almost 24/7 and gets rebooted perhaps once a month if there is a power cut or if I install some device drivers.

A PC only really needs to be rebooted when:

• Installing/Removing software which requires access to modify core operating system files
• Memory errors occur (although extremely infrequent due to modern programming techniques)
• A rogue program with a handle on a device doesn’t close down properly, rendering the device either locked or stunting access

But for the average user of a personal computer within an office environment such as where I work, the above situations are incredibly rare. So my question has to be, do we really need to tell users to reboot? For the majority of cases the user is using either Microsoft(R) Word or Microsoft(R) Internet Explorer, which are both items of applications software. Problems in such can be soved by simply killing the process (which is as simple as clicking the cross in Windows), and reopening the application.

I hope that I have managed to convey my point; that although rebooting a machine is a rather drawn out process which causes frustration to the user, and a direct lack of productivity to the company, IT technicians will still instruct users to do a full reboot of the machine in order to fix the problem, despite the fact that it is more likely that time could be saved by simply instructing the user around the problem. Not only is this a direct solution to the problem, but it also saves time and effort in case of a recurrant problem. If it happens again then the user will not bother to phone IT again, they will simply perform the task they were instructed to do last time, hampering employee productivity on company time.

I encourage discussion on this topic as I would like the website to become more of a forum for like-minded people and students to actually get involved and have a say. But maybe that’s just me. I am aware that some writers are just in it for the narcissistic pleasure of being funny to their peers, or perhaps I am wrong…

I was born in ‘88. It means that I can never really say I was an 80s child. By the time I was aware of existence in general, it was already the 90s. 1988 is a very significant year for me. Some of you might think that it’s because it was the year I was born, but you’d be wrong and I’d mock you mercilessly for being so.

1988 is a significant year because it was the year that the original generation of Transformers was cancelled on television. I’m an old-school Transformers fan, so this new stuff doesn’t elicit the same excitement in me. The fact that Transformers got cancelled in my birth year led me to think about the cartoons of the 80s, and then the cartoons of the early 90s. Then, I had the crazy notion of “comparing” the two for an internet site! This should be fun.

The shit I grew up with in the early 90s were shows like The Rugrats, Hey Arnold!, The Moomins and The Raccoons. I’m sure you remember them all in some capacity or another. If not, Wikipedia that shit. It’ll bring back memories.

The shows that got cancelled or wound down in the late 80s were shows like Transformers, Thundercats, MASK and Gobots. These were all seriously awesome shows that got some major recognition and still do. They’re classic icons of the 80s era.

The more astute of you might have noticed a startling lack of similarity between the shows I listed for each decade. Let me spell it out anyway: The cartoons of the 80s were all about giant fucking robots, huge explosions, evil groups of people who wanted nothing more than to fuck shit up for everyone, protagonists who had cars that transformed, or were cars that transformed, or amazing shit that made you wide-eyed. The creative juices of the early 90s, however, produced stuff that was essentially real life in cartoon form. If I had wanted to, I probably could have lived a life very similar to Hey Arnold! without much effort. He didn’t ever do anything amazing or impossible. He just lived a normal life, and we were supposed to be entertained by that.

Why do you think I’m watching cartoons, bitch?! I want to see shit explode, not worry about someone’s love life when they’re far too young to even be thinking about love. The cartoons of the 90s bored me significantly. We went from giant robots that I could never even hope to experience in real life to mundane shit that was probably happening outside my door at that exact moment. Maybe it was their intention to make me go outside? I can’t imagine the awesome TV of the 80s produced many nature-lovers, since they were always glued to the TV shouting stuff like “AMAZING!” and “LOOK AT THAT FUCKING ROBOT!”.

The All Nighter has long been a cornerstone of humour and knowledge on the internet, shaping the landscape of student humour for the better. No longer is the face of student amusement acne ridden, it is gorgeous and very fuckable.

The All Nighter team however are so busy writing articles and creating awesome material, we need someone who can ensure that the content we write adheres to the high standard of grammar and structure you have come to expect.

This is why we are running a competition to become an editor for the site.

Here are the qualities the potential editor must posess:

• Must have a very good sense of humour with little to no moral compass.
• Must be a grammar nazi.
• Must be able to read and approve at least 6 articles a week (spread out through the week).
• Must not be a douche bag.

The winner of this little competition will have to read and approve articles that the rest of the team write, you will not be writing your own articles but will of course welcome to suggest articles to the team.
You will get your picture on the website with a biography about yourself and the opportunity to be a part of the student humour revolution!

As an extra incentive, any winner based in Cardiff will get a drink bought for them by each member of The All Nighter. (Each drink can be upto the value of £2.50). That’s at least 4 drinks!

To enter, all you have to do is write a 100 words on why you would be good for the role. Extra marks will be given for drawn pictures and humour. Email your entry to… James (AT)theallnighter.net
including your name, age, and location.

The closing date for this is: 23rd September at 23:59pm.

Terms and Conditions:

The All Nighter reserves the right to cancel the competition at any time. All entries received after the closing date will not count. Only one entry per person/per email address. The All Nighter team will jointly decide on the new editor who will be notified as soon as that decision has been made. The All Nighter’s decisions are final.

For those of you just joining university I would like to offer this piece of advice. The 3 second rule is the fundamental principle of the modern ages. It can override health inspection laws, seating reservations and even bros before hoes

So what is this 3 second rule. At it’s most basic it is a measurement of how long a person has to take action/wait before they either cannot take that action or are allowed to take that action.

Examples:

• The 3 second rule applied to food: If food drops on the floor you have 3 seconds to pick it up and eat it.
• The 3 second rule applied to seating: If a member of the group leaves for whatever reason, all members of the group must wait 3 seconds before taking the seat.
• The 3 second rule applied to pulling: Once a target is acquired you have 3 seconds to take action. Any longer and the brain starts sobering up/thinking and no one wants that.
• The 3 second rule applied to spirits. When in possession of a shared spirit the person preparing a drink has 3 seconds to pour a measurement and pass the spirit along. This doesn’t get enforced too often due to the lax nature of drinking parties.
• The 3 second rule applied to food, part II. Once a person has indicated they have finished with their food, any food after 3 seconds is up for grabs.

So go forth my educated pigeons and flourish in the student world!

One fact provided by Tom (Guess which one)

When a public figure dies or a child gets abducted, how long before it is acceptable to joke about it?
Everybody gets a text sent to them after somebody dies with an often hilarious joke about the circumstances surrounding that person’s death but even as you read, you feel a pang (even a real word?) of guilt.

There are two main statements that get thrown around when joking about dead people:

1. Give them some respect.

2. They’re dead therefore they don’t care.

I would like to believe the second point prevails more often than not. You are not hurting anybody by sending round your awesome, well thought out jokes so why feel guilty? It would be a different matter however if I sent the following to Madeline McCann’s parents:

“Knock Knock,
Who’s there?
Not Maddie”

That could be seen as inappropriate but I guess her parents do need some cheering up. The millions of pounds they have raised probably aren’t doing much good.

Normally I would have a complex formula to calculate how long after the event it becomes appropriate to joke about it but I am lazy so here is a handy guide using real life events as an example:

Death of an actor/actress (e.g. Heath Ledger): Next day.
Death of a celebrity (Jeremy Beadle): Same day.
Death of a public Figure (Pope John Paul II): Next day (he died at night so not a lot of joke texting time).
Child Abduction (Maddie): A week at the absolute maximum.
Natural Disaster (Tsunami): Next Day.
All others (Shuttle Columbia): However long it takes to send a text.
This one got sent to me yesterday:

There’s a big barbeque next week at Maesbrook House. The last one was awesome, went like a house on fire, but no fosters left by 4.30 am.

Now that is pretty funny you have to admit….

Lastly, a quick message to the people who fall into the “It’s sick and horrible blah blah fuckity blah”. I know for a fact you chuckle or laugh at the joke before judging us all to hell. The “I’ll gauge everybody elses reaction before laughing (IGEERBL)” method does not work. If you want some cheering up I have made a wax work of Gary Glitter shoving Madeline McCann into a sack.

I’m going to hell for this.

I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with the Women’s Institutes. I know them well, but I live in a village in Cornwall. Since they’re a rural institution, it makes sense that I’d know more about them than anyone who happens to live in a city.

For those of you who aren’t so familiar then: The Women’s Institutes (Hereafter referred to as the WI) is a network of… clubs… populated by women. Their goal isn’t as clear as their existence. Why they do any of the things they do is also a little hazy.

The Women’s Institutes don’t have a clear mission statement, unlike many other establishments of a similar nature. They run charity events, and sing in choirs, and have meetings in which they can sell each other the shit they find around their houses. I mean, maybe they’re doing a service in this sense: Some of the women might actually have a need for the useless shit that the other women don’t have a need for, but that they buy anyway.

Sure, I’m fine with people playing bingo and discussing how nice their cream tea was over another cream tea. But let’s look at it this way: I’m a fan of necessity. I do things once they need to be done. It may translate to laziness when it comes to academia, because you’re really meant to start work on something early and not the night before. Regardless of my current academic prowess, let’s call this the “rule of necessity”. And it states that you do things when they need to be done.

And this brings us to the problem I have with the WI. They’re not necessary. In the few minutes of thought that went into this article, the only purpose I could find that the WI serves is one of self-esteem. We have bingo clubs, charities, bake sales, car boot sales. Every function that the WI provides is also provided by another establishment that you’re likely to have nearby. And they usually do it better.

Without these unnecessary functions clouding your reasoning, it’s clear that the WI exists solely to make its members feel important. Suddenly the housewives, who have to stay at home because there aren’t any jobs in the countryside anyway, have something to do with their day. Their lives have meaning, because suddenly they’re baking tasty treats and collecting all the useless shit they can find in order to sell it to women who are equally house-bound, who are just going to sell it back to the original owner anyway.