As a member of the academic world (Perhaps not willingly, but a member all the same), I have a lot of opinions that no-one else really needs to care about. On the off-chance that some of this stuff does strike a chord with any of you, however, here’s another instalment of “Things that I think are stupid that you should also think are stupid because, really, they’re stupid”… Also known as What The Eff.

People Who Care About Grass
I’m not talking about Marijuana here, because really everyone should care about that. I’m getting more and more concerned every day that there are too many people in the world who care about actual grass. You know, the green stuff on the sides of roads.

This is in evidence every time you see a sign that asks you to keep off the grass, or a meticulously cut and treated lawn somewhere in the north of England.

I have absolutely no problem with people who decide to use good quality seed, water it well, and cut it properly so that their lawn or grass of choice comes out well. What I DO have a problem with is anyone who gives a shit when their grass gets stood on. I mean, come on! It’s GRASS. It’s the most boring plant in the entire world. There’s nothing interesting, useful or particularly striking about grass, except that it provides a surface on which to do things. Throw a frisbee, for example, or mutilate a dog. When people start asking others to stay off their grass, that just removes its primary purpose.

You cannot tell me that these people want their grass to be nice so that they can look at it, because no-one looks at grass. There’s no point. Therefore, the grass that they keep perfectly maintained and ban anyone else from standing on or walking over has become useless. Well done.

I’m going to start asking people not to walk on my carpet from now on.

Short-ass Alarm Clocks
When I say “short-ass”, I’m not referring to the height of the alarm clock, but rather the length of time the alarm sounds when it goes off. The standard alarm length for most clocks you buy from somewhere shitty like Argos is one to two minutes. I don’t know about those of you who spring out of bed instantly the moment they hear the mildest sound, but I don’t feel particularly happy about waking up in the morning.

I have slept through an alarm in the past that was sounding for 45 minutes solid, and only the other day I slept through 30 minutes of my alarm; Which is exactly why I need an alarm that goes off forever until I get out of bed and shut it off myself.

Using a one or two minute alarm is like asking a paraplegic if he wants to wrestle me. I’m not going to get a very effective result.