Obviously I have a lot of free time. As a student, it’s not like I work or anything. We’re not meant to. During this free time I try to watch a lot of films, and when you’re studying films instead of Information Systems, you start to notice things that don’t quite jive with reality:

1) They always skip the boring parts
You’ll see a scene, in any film that stars a hot guy, where he’s talking to a probably antagonistic but also ridiculously hot girl. They’ll both start spouting corny-ass bullshit lines laden with sexual innuendo. The next thing you know, the scene has cut to the bedroom and they’re going at it like goddamn bunnies. Hot, I know, but realistic? No. It’s that sudden cut which bothers me. For once, I want them to show the car ride over to the house where the two hot people sit in the back and have awkward conversations about the weather and “how nice the neighbourhood is”. You just never see the shit that happens in between conversation and sex, and it has to be a mood killer.

2) Nature doesn’t call
I’ll admit that in some films, a scene will call for an actor to be on the john. But for all the other films… What the fuck is going on? Do these characters have bowels of steel? When have you ever seen the star of an action movie stop halfway through his “Let’s go save the orphans” speech and say “Hold on, I gotta take a shit. Back in a bit… AND THEN WE’LL SAVE THOSE ORPHANS!”. I think Hollywood is in denial of feces.

3) Quick-Drying Hair! Buy now and we’ll throw in a SECOND Quick-Drying Hair absolutely free!
So, apart from movies that happen predominantly underwater, every character in every film ever seems to have quick-drying hair. I’m not talking the kind of rapidity that can be accounted for by a hair drier. I’m talking 30 seconds max, if their hair ever gets wet in the first place. They’ll be in the shower, or in a pool, or get caught in some kind of catastrophic flood, and then in the next scene their hair will be as perfectly coiffed as the day they got it done. Whatever product they’re using, I think there’s a big market for it.