We will be back in 4 days, 12 hours, 53 minutes, 6 seconds

When researching (however briefly) this article I can accross a website which contains tourist attractions for every major town in Britain. Stockport had a measly 4 entries, the largest of which being the Stockport Hat Museum.

Tourists to the area arriving by train are confronted with this “museum” from the train line on the approach to the town. The imposing tower holding aloft the words “Hat Museum” is quite impressive, but I feel could be put to much better use to advertise the city to potential visitors. I suggest using the tower to support a 100ft billboard with a picture of a lovely naked lady on it; this would certainly treble tourism to stockport over the course of 2 years.

The title of this post is “Things I Should Probably Be Doing Instead of Writing This” because, thinking about it I have so many things I should probably be doing and in traditional, space wasting, style I am now going to tell you.

1. Fixing the grammar of that last sentance…it is appalling isn’t it?
2. Watch Dr. Horrible again…I swear I am a little in love with Neal Patrick Harris.
3. Buy a new keyboard….seriously, the house parties have not been good to this one.
4. Buy a new eeePc charger for Clio…the thing is fucked at the moment.
5. Buy stamps….I actually have post I need to send
6. Check my bank balance….I don’t think my estimate is a good one
7. Look up slightly painful under arm rash thing in Google to make sure I am not going to die
8. Clean my room
9. Write a proper post regarding what I got up to last night…
10. Actually start my final year project

So there you have it….my life at the moment. And not to fear, there will be a blog post very soon….and I am going to start Cooking with Jamie again in a few weeks.

It isn’t tooth ache or anything I can contribute to poor oral health so I have to conclude it is a side effect from last night. This raises a dilemma…you see ignorance is bliss and I am quite happy to accept my version of what happened last night…pub, drinks, bar, shots, club, drinks, drinks, drinks, home.

However if I am to ever find out why my teeth hurt I am going to have to delve further into the night, through the alcohol haze. This leads to something I like to call “The Alcopop Recall Effect.”

The Alcopop Recall Effect occurs when one attempts to remember events from a night out that occur during the Alcopop Blindness Zone often referred to as the “Oh-Shit Zone.”

The Alcopop Blindness Zone (ABZ) takes place around 12-3am on a given night out, it starts when a group of friends switch from lager, spirits or wine onto Alcopops. The surge of sugar, caffeine and alcohol spurs you on to make decisions that you might not otherwise make.

The Alcopop Recall Effect is normally painful and distressing since it usually presents with vivid flashbacks or the aforementioned decisions and of course the main consequence is knowledge of exactly what you did the night before.

Which leads me back to my teeth…after some thought I now know why they are hurting - something to do with chewing ice…and that happened right at the beginning of the ABZ.

This knowledge came at a price…the memories of bad dancing, bottle upon bottle of VK Blue and….yeah…that’s all I’m telling you.
Note: The Alcopop Recall Effect can also be triggered by friends/strangers pointing out your actions from the previous night…REMEMBER - Friends don’t let friends remember.

I don´t know what excuses the rest of the team have but I´m sure they are good. This is the only update I will get round to doing so it´s a bit of a shit it´s an apology..

Wait a second, Why am I apologising? Get off your arses and do some exercise. (Hard to do when it´s 35oC… Hot.)

Adios

Now I am sure you all know that Americans are not the most literate nation on the planet. In fact it’s joint 18th with the U.K. and Norway…Georgia and Cuba rank 1 and 2. But that isn’t my point. My point is that the ones who can read are idiots.

The American Library Association publish a list every year regarding the most complained about books. Last year the most complained book was “And Tango Makes Three”. Can you guess what this book was about?

It was a childrens book about a penguin who was was orphaned and adopted by two male penguins who cared for it. It was based on the true story of of Roy and Silo, two male Chinstrap Penguins in New York’s Central Park Zoo who for a time formed a couple. They were given an egg to hatch, and consequently raised the baby penguin. Not only is this story cute it is also awesome because it has penguins.

So why was this the most complained about book of 2007? Some of the comments made by the idiots complainers were “It is sexist”, “It promotes homosexuality” and my favourite: “It is anti-family”.

WHAT! anti-fucking family!! Oh of course…the religious nut jobs would rather the chick died before even being hatched than have it raised by two loving parents.

What else was on this list? http://www.ala.org/ala/pressreleases2008/may2008/penguin.cfm See for yourself. And conclude the same thing I have.. the residents of Jesusland are complete idiots.

*Disclaimer* - The above may not be taken as an attack on Christianity. I’ve made enough of those already.

The Bro Code is a well documented set of rules that apply to guys around the world. However some of the points in this sacred document do not always apply to situations a lot of students find themselves in.

Because of this, I have had some thoughts about a code of conduct that will apply to all students regardless of sex or race. A code of conduct that will create a utopia for all students..

The code of conduct will be split into sections depending on the situation it applies to. It can and will be added to when appropriate.

Section 1 - Organising an Event:

- An Event constitutes the following:

- A party
- A Night out
- Any sports related activity
- Any other event where by more than two people will be invited

Article #1:

The organisers of an event will endeavor to invite every person within their social circle.
(This can be achieved by assigning a house or group of people to each of the organisers.)

Article #2:

For a night out, the destination is a democratic process where by the majority vote wins.
Clause 1:
The destination should always take into account the financial situation of EVERY person attending.
Clause 2:
If a majority vote does not exist, the initial organisers will make the final decision on the destination while still complying with Clause 1.
Clause 3:
If one of the attending persons is celebrating their birthday then they shall have the final say in destination.

Article #3:

For a party, the organisers have the final say on the following aspects of the event:
- Theme
- Guest restrictions (Can override Article #1 if genuine reasons exist)
- Music restrictions

Section 2 - Pre-Drinking:

Pre-Drinking constitutes the time before a night out that involves the attending people drinking to save money .

Article #1:

The hosts of the pre-drinking event can make a decision with regards to any games/sub-events that can aid the process of pre-drinking.

Article #2:

Any people attending the pre-drinking event who are not included in a particular sub-event (E.g. Drinking Fifa) can take part in another event of their choosing.
Clause 1: The host of the pre-drinking event has the right to refuse alternative event suggestions.

Section 3 - Parties

A party is an event that is often held within the organiser’s house and involves alcoholic beverages, music and general merriment. Note: A party and a gathering are not the same thing.

-A gathering usually involves less people, quieter music and guests are expected to bring all of their own provisions. A gathering can also include film or TV watching.
- A party has more people attending, louder music and the hosts are expected to supply some of the alcoholic beverages. TV or film watching is generally inapparopriate for a party.

Article #1:

The party organiser has the right to refuse entry to any guest who arrives at the party. Approved party guests are expected to help the organiser if the refusal causes a dispute.

Article #2:

The musical playlist at the party has to be approved by the hosts. Any changes to the playlist have to be approved by the hosts. Unauthorised changes to the playlist by any party guest is automatically deemed as “uncool” and the guest will have to allow the host to undo any changes that have been made.

Article #3:

All guests at a party should respect the host’s property and should not proceed to trash any part of the house.

Article #4:

At least one drinking game should be played at all parties and gatherings. The choice of game is down to democratic vote but all guests should include themselves in at least one drinking game.

Next Week: Sections on going out and group politics will be added.

Any other suggestions or additions to the Code of Conduct are of course appreciated.

You have no doubt battled with the operator, trying desperately to cling on to every, mispronounced word, and frantically attempting to decypher the pigeon English in your head into something vaguely coherant. The average citizen, however, only has to deal with these frankly distressing phone calls perhaps once or twice a year. Now immagine that you work in a profession which involves phoning Microsoft for every little niggling point when Windows just won’t accept that CD key, or, when it does, it doesnt want to validate itself, instead throwing a big tantrum and threatening to disable itself in 30 days unless you type in a magic number which only Microsoft employees are aware of.

I suppose there is an upside of the Microsoft call centres; that is the operators themselves seem to be semi retarded. You can pretty much tell them whatever you want and they will be unable to know what you mean so just unlock the computer for you. Thus:
Caller: Please can you activate my copy of Windows XP?
Operator: Is it only on one computer?
Caller: No, I work for an Islamic militant group and we need Windows on our laptops used for bombing the Western world
Operator: OK sir, your new key is…

You see my point I’m sure.

The primary cause for ARV is the practice known as: Drink Loitering.

What is Drink Loitering?

Good question Timmy. Drink loitering occurs when a patron buys a drink at a crowded bar, and then proceeds to continue standing at the bar as if they were still queuing up. I do not understand why people linger around the bar area after the transaction has been completed. It causes prissy little rich girls to get impatient and chavvy flip flop wearing douche bags to shout in your ear about how shit the bar is.

How can Drink Loitering be prevented?

The only known way to guarantee Drink Loitering will not occur in a bar involves a combination of the following: A firearm, several rounds of live ammunition, a pre-existing psychological condition, and a skill for filling out paperwork.

There are however, several other ways drink loitering can be prevented that are almost as effective.

Remember the following phrase: “You’ve got your drink now fuck off you filthy little shit.”

Ok maybe that is not the best phrase to use, but something along those lines usually works and is unlikely to cause as many stabbings.

Simply moving in front of people who have their drinks works about 63% of the time so it may be better to try that before resorting to setting fire to the loiterer.

I’m not a murderer.. Honest.

Next Week: Drink Spillage

This week I will be teaching you how to make Jamie’s Cheese and Potato Bake. Perfect for…. meh who cares if you’ve had a long day this is awesome.

Food Facts

No. of your 5 a day: 1

Preparation Time: 10-15 Minutes

Cooking Time: 20 Minutes

Alcohol Units: 0

Chance of Burning Down Your Student House/Flat: 84%

Yumminess Rating: How I Met Your Mother

Healthiness Rating: Light Bulb!

Ingredients

• Potatoes
• Cheese
• Peas
• You could season if you want…
• Maybe a little milk….for creaminess

Method

1. Boil the potatoes, then the peas
2. Mash The potatoes and the peas
3. Grate the cheese into the mash and mash some more
4. Grate some more cheese over the top and bake until tasty.
5. Serve with more peas and maybe carrots (I love peas and carrots)

I hope you enjoyed Cooking with Jamie, tune in next time when I will be telling you how to make Jamie’s Veg Chow Mein!