By now, I’m sure you are questioning why I am so concerned with the health and wellbeing of others who take the personal decision not to engage in personal hygiene. The answer is simple: these people leave the bathroom to go and interact with other members of society, and it is DIRTY! I don’t want to shake hands with someone who has still got knob juice all over their fingers, even worse, cock slobber which may have been present from hours before.

It is for this reason that I am spearheading a compaign to flat out TELL people (rather than encourage) to wash their hands after handling the python. I propose signs in restrooms up and down the country. Ranging from small stickers on mirrors saying “Wash Your F*#%ing Hands” to A3 posters with catchy slogans such as “We Dont Rub Against Your Crotch So Dont Rub Your Crotch On Us”, or for those in food preparation, “Don’t Touch Stock If You’ve Touched Cock” or “Don’t Just Rince Then Put It In The Mince”.

However, there may be times when conversation goes a little slack - possibly because everyone’s still hungover from the seventy-two sambuca shots (each) consumed at yesterday’s house party, or the fact that it’s been less than twenty-four hours since you last caught up on everyone’s news… at yesterday’s house party. So, inspired by Belle de Jour’s ‘Pub Games for Whores’, here are a few things to do when your night out starts to look a bit too run-of-the-mill for your liking:

I Fucked the Bassist: Name-drop as shamelessly as possible in a conversation, but avoid simply using the term ‘One of my friends…’ Whoever creates the most interesting backstory wins. E.g. ‘My mother in law was Gerard Way’s chiropractor for three years’ or ‘My girlfriend’s father once had a minor altercation with Josh Homme in a tanning salon.’

The Who?: Invent obscure names for rock bands when asked where your music tastes lie - the person who manages to come up with the most wildly imaginative name wins. Plus points if the person talking to you replies, ‘Omg, I love them! I think I saw them at Glastonbury in 2003, they were totally amazing.’ Minus points if you find out later that there is actually a band with that name after all.

Play That Funky Music: Pervert the playlist by approaching the DJ and asking for a song that is an entirely opposite or an inappropriate genre to the evening’s playlist, e.g. requesting Steps during a metal night. Plus points if the DJ is kind enough to play it. (Variation: Ask the DJ to play someone likely to be on the playlist, but change the name of the song you request to something that sounds highly unusual for that particular artist, e.g. ‘Can you play “Walking On Sunshine” by Marilyn Manson, please?’)

Toast Run: Specifically to be played in Metros, where - to those of you who don’t frequent the place - they hand out (buttered?) toast from the bar at midnight. See how many pieces you can collect in a series of multiple trips spent standing in line before they eventually get wise to you and refuse to serve you anymore. Again, invention is the key to this game, and you can score extra points by changing your appearance to delude bar staff into thinking you’re a different person, e.g. borrowing someone’s scarf or trilby. The person with the most toast at the end of the night wins - that is, if you haven’t eaten it all already.

Your #1 Fan: Approach a random (non-celebrity) person and tell them how much you love their music. Ask them when their next album’s going to be released, and say that you enjoyed their last gig at T.J.’s in Newport when they smashed their guitar and spat on the ceiling. See how long you can keep up this conversation despite their protestations that they’ve never touched a musical instrument in their life. Minus points if they back away from you and tell you that you’re crazy. Plus points if they play along with it from the beginning - it could make for an interesting night. Gold star if it turns out that they really are in a band. (See I Fucked the Bassist.)

Sleeping
Never underestimate the enjoyment that a man gets from the ability to disconnect himself from the real world, with its annoying little quips and mind-numbingly stupid inhabitants. When unconscious, a man can be a James Bond-esque character with an arsenal of awesome firearms at his disposal and enough charisma to fill a Citroen C4 twice over.
A man’s mind gives him the ability to do whatever he wishes. It is a place where he can scale the highest peak and dive the deepest ocean, the cars are fast and the women are in abundance and incredibly suggestible.
To women, the act of slumber is merely a practical undertaking to rid them of the fatigues of everyday life, and leave them fresh and ready for the next day. For a man, sleep is a hobby.

Eating
When it comes to gentlemanly enjoyment, little can compare to the elation derived from mastication. You see, a recurring theme in this article is that the things which men enjoy most are the things which women see as purely mundane chores; meaningless tasks which need to be carried out in order to continue existence.
Allow me to elaborate. When a man sits down to a large meal in the company of others (more than just his wife/spouse/significant other), namely in the presence of other men, he does not see a delicious meal which he is about to eat, but a challenge - another way in which he can assert his masculinity in front of others by showing that the quantities of food he can consume far outweigh that of any other person present. The rate of consumption is also a factor; there is no point proving you can eat so much food if it takes you twice as long as everyone else. (Then you just look like a dick and others present have to sit idly by as you sweat out and slobber over the rest of your meal when all they want is dessert.)

Producing Feces
In at number two… (get it?) There are many reasons why taking a dump rates so highly on the male pleasure chart. Firstly, it provides the man a chance to reflect: if your schedule dictates you “drop log” at the start of the day, it provides you with the opportunity to plan ahead on the comfort of one’s throne exactly what you are going to be doing. If nature decides to call in the evening, then you are able to look back over the past day’s shenanigans and reflect on the most enjoyable part, or perhaps plan the day which is yet to come.
You see, “unloading” is one of the most peaceful times of the day. You can do whatever you want and not worry about interference, you can read the newspaper for 10-15 minutes, or do a quick crossword (or write an article for your website… hang on, I gotta wipe…
.
.
..).
I’m not saying that being alone is the ONLY benefit of “seeing Mr Brown and his friends off to the coast”. Some just like the feeling of foecal matter pressing on their prostate. (But that’s another matter.)

Recreational Coitus
Woohoo! Number 1. The best activity in which a man can engage. And why not? Why be ashamed about it? Man has evolved over millions of years, having been pruned and perfected along the way, and we are pre-programmed from before birth to seek out “pink tacco”. Now I know what you are thinking, this is a very male-oriented website - in particular, YOUNG males. But I am not here to make it hard or drop a load on you; I just want to give it to you straight, and not make any puns.
I believe that this one requires little explanation. We all know how enthusiastic men get about sex (overenthusiasm can get you into a lot of trouble), but that is for one good reason; for most men it is the driving force behind their very existence. Now to those of you with ovaries, this may seem rather juvanile or primitive, and that’s because it is. But at the same time, we don’t care, because every man is the same, every man is immature and infantile, every man likes to pick their nose and bite their nails, and every man likes to be inappropriate every once in a while. But it is throughout the course of writing this article that I have come to realise… Being a man is awesome!

*The term ‘consensus’ used in this context is perhaps rather vague in its scope. The number of individuals actually surveyed for their opinion on this matter was, in fact, limited to the individual views of me and Jim.

I’m sitting quite happily with my 701 eee PC. It only has a 7” screen, but is perfect for train journeys, lectures and the like. Anyway, enough free advertising for Asus; I’ll get to the point:

The train gets into Bristol and I’m contentedly listening to <insert your favourite track here> when this businessman-type person sits down opposite me (We shall call him ‘pinkie’, since he was wearing a beautiful pink shirt and pink tie and looked very pink). He pulls out his weapon to defeat my netbook: a piece of shit HP centrino with a shoddy fingerprint scanner, a Vodafone 3G PCMCIA card and the most elaborate headphones I’ve ever seen. He also sat his brick of a Nokia N95 on the table for all to gaze at. He would have won, but he ruined it by accompanying this ensemble with a warm can of Carling (I could tell it wasn’t cold because the bitty on the side hadn’t turned blue, thank you).

He is your typical train douche bag with his overpriced Sony headphones and cool pinky ring (dick). He had the choice of other tables but saw me with my perfectly good, cheap laptop and thought he would show me a thing or two. Problem is, buddy, your laptop runs the shit-awful Windows Vista and is an HP. In the IT Shop this year, we have seen far too many HP laptops come in with mainboard problems. Have fun paying £200 to have that fixed. For that money, you could buy - yes, you guessed it - the same laptop I’m using to write this.

I rest my case.

P.S. He has been sat opposite me while I have been writing this, and after taking more than a cursory glance, I have deduced he dressed much more like a hotel valet then any kind of business. (Nothing against valets, of course.)

The Predictions

1. The economy will continue getting worse and worse and worse and then bounce and then get worse….
2. Blu-ray will continue to dominate the high-def market since it’s the only one left.
3. Lynx will produce yet another 10 different scents. Predicted for 2009 are: Horny Leopard, Masturbating Monkey and Whore Magnet.
4. Ethical eating will make a big entrance then fade into obscurity due to people not having enough money to eat healthily (see point 1).
5. NOFX will be awesome when James and I go to see them.
6. There will be a surge of articles for Renyi to edit, then exam time will be over and the number of articles will dwindle.

If you celebrate this holiday by drinking, laughing, crying or getting that noose just right, we at The All Nighter wish you a great few days. Our editor is on Christmas leave, so the chance of any articles being published by New Year are very slim.

Have a great Christmas; I hope you all get a shitload of presents and are comatose by 3pm.

The All Nighter Team

Christmas is wrongly perceived to be the celebration of a Jew - born to a virgin, in a stable - during a very busy tourist season (modern scholars believe mid-June), about 2000 years ago in Bethlehem.

In fact, the celebration of a festival around the 25th of December dates much further back. Similar to most Christian festivals, Christmas was a way of splicing their belief system with all the others around at the time (it just makes good sense to have a holiday when everyone else is having one). Here are a few examples:

Saturnalia is the feast with which the Romans commemorated the dedication of the temple of the god Saturn, which was on 17 December. Over the years, it expanded to a whole week, up until 23rd December.

Yule is a Germanic festival which took place between late December and early January.

Hanukkah - yep, the Christians couldn’t even be discrete about this one. Taking place on the 25th day of Kislev, Hanukkah celebrates some Jewish miracle or other. If I am honest, the Torah is a very big book and I am a very busy person. I know it has something to do with oil…and that they get to eat food resembling doughnuts.

There are others…

So, kipping past that - What is Christmas, in the modern sense?

Christmas is a festival where we celebrate consumerism. This is not me being cynical. Every year, we spend billions on presents, decorations, food and drink. For one day we have a day off while we exchange gifts, eat lots of food and if you are anything like me, pass out by three in the afternoon after a bit too much champagne.

Then there is Boxing Day or as millions of Britons call it, “Let’s Spend More Money Day” where everything is slightly cheaper, in more ways than one. This very fact has led me to the conclusion that the new modern definition of Christmas is: ‘A festival where people take a break to reflect on the modern capitalist society and what they want out of it.’

One final note - Santa Claus. An old man who breaks into children’s houses late at night and leaves them presents if they have been “nice”… Which genius thought that one up?

]]> http://www.theallnighter.net/jamie/of-christmas/feed http://www.theallnighter.net/james/games-review-fifa-2009 http://www.theallnighter.net/james/games-review-fifa-2009#comments Thu, 11 Dec 2008 08:00:45 +0000 James http://www.theallnighter.net/?p=401 Being a student who enjoys procrastinating more than, well, other people, I thought I would review a few things to give me something to do and you procrastinating freeloaders, something to read. I will review this game while still paying attention to the critical aspects of the lecture which include Block Index, Speed up, and sequential algorithm behaviour.

FIFA 2009

The latest incarnation of one of EA’s biggest cash cows was released in October and embraced by our house. Always favouring Fifa over Pro Evo, we were pleased to hear that the new Pro Evo was, basically, shit.

The new installment of Fifa is a vast improvement on 2008, with smoother gameplay and a more natural feel to the players. Fifa 2008 made you feel like your players were running through treacle filled with glue. The problem with the quicker gameplay is that your on-screen players are not used to the freedom and continually run offside. They are so eager to run into the net that the number of offsides per match becomes ridiculous. Screams of “FUUUUUUCK!” and “FOR GOD’S SAKE” are frequently heard as Jamie’s passes are called up by the now-visible referee.

If Jamie reviewed this game, he would comment that it is moderately entertaining with an underlying socialist feel. He would also mention that the on-screen players look disillusioned with the game and should be released into the real world. Jamie, however, is a good student who prefers making notes on parallel processing rather than typing gibberish on a tiny keyboard.

One controversial aspect of the game is the fact that the Welsh national team is not included.

It is rumoured that Tom Jones (who features on the game’s soundtrack) requested that he be included in the game as a Welsh striker. When EA refused, he submitted an awful remix of Feel The Music.

I, however, am happy that they were not included. Until they admit that ‘Love Spoons’ are not a plausible solution to the credit crunch, they should not be included in any sports game.

The game does well at performing different tasks simultaneously. It can render graphics, play audio and detect controller input with virtually no lag. Fifa 2009 obviously takes advantage of the three processing cores of the Xbox 360 and could probably pass a parallel processing exam with 65%.

Here are some other opinions of the game taken from writers of the All Nighter:

Gazz : “It’s alright.”

Tristan: “It’s class, but Crespo doesn’t play for Argentina, so I’m upset.”

Anthony: “I hate any console made in the last 8 years.”

I give it a parallel processing score of 5Mm(tcalc) (Good)

]]> http://www.theallnighter.net/james/games-review-fifa-2009/feed http://www.theallnighter.net/gazz/morning-radio-review-1-bbc-radio-1 http://www.theallnighter.net/gazz/morning-radio-review-1-bbc-radio-1#comments Tue, 09 Dec 2008 08:00:49 +0000 Gazz http://www.theallnighter.net/?p=393 Only the more well-off amongst us can afford a clock radio for our nightstands to wake us up in the morning. I know at least one member of The All Nighter Staff uses a small dog with a wristwatch to awaken them from their slumber (hit and miss, but better than nothing).

However, I have realised that I have become increasingly annoyed with morning radio shows, particularly on BBC Radio 1. I have only had a clock radio for a matter of months, but my experiences in that time allow me to tell you that morning broadcasts leave little to be desired.

As much as I like Chris Moyles, he does not make decent morning radio. Okay, okay, this is perhaps a little unfair as I have not as yet detailed the requirements for what makes good morning radio.

A show must:

• Be lively enough that it actually motivates my lazy ass out of bed
• Contain enough music I want to hear (as with ANY station)
• Be presented by interesting characters
• Not contain enough advertisements to make my ears bleed
• Generally get my day off to a cheerful start.

Now, against this, I can offer up a considered review of the Moyles show:

1. Liveliness - FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR too much talking and dicking about. These guys CAN be funny, but the actual funny bits are hidden away amongst the drab, tasteless, and often offensive humour. However, there is a time and a place. I don’t really want to be woken by three grown men just having a chat.
2. Music - Barely in existence. This appears to be a mainly chat-based show. Bad broadcasting. Music will wake me up, whereas chatting will just give me freaky dreams.
3. Characters - Okay, here they are actually not bad.
4. Advertisements - The BBC famously contains no adverts other than those directed towards their own shows (not really adverts, more like reminders). This I like - advertisements (although the driving force of all sports funding) are the bane of my life and I find myself making a constant effort to ignore them.*
5. Cheeriness-ometer -If it doesn’t wake me up, how can it make me cheery? If anything, it angers me because it HASN’T woken me up.

Arbitrary Score: 3/10

*On a side note, ANYONE who hears the first 5 notes of a certain advert then sings “I’m lovin’ it” should be executed on the spot. Alternatively, anyone who finishes off “Autoglass repair, autoglass replace” is a total doofus and should not be allowed access to the media with such a gullible mind.

Oh Dear....

So, let’s see.

23:48 - I start work.

01:57 - About two hours later. I have written 4,000 words of my project report. In context, that is about 25-30% of the document. And in another context, I already had 3,400 words at the start of the night.

05:43 - Quarter-to-six in the morning. At this point, I had achieved what in computer science terms is known as a fuck-code, or a programming code of which 75% is pointless, buggy and basically stupid. The other 25%, however, was genius and created some really nice graphs. This pleased me.

08:40 - I had eaten breakfast. Unfortunately, I think the general wear and tear from sleep deprivation and coffee break at 2 a.m. were starting to set in. Breakfast news shows were starting to annoy me, a clear sign that I was in a great deal of self-inflicted pain.

11:36 - I was in uni, preparing for my meeting. It all went well once I got into my stride and I don’t think I came off at all sleep-deprived. My hair is inexplicable, though.

13:32 - I tried to go to sleep, I really did. But James hasn’t shared his TV yet, so I have no mindless comedy to watch. Ah well, I’m sure it will catch up with me eventually.

Night-night all, night-night.