Religion has been a hot topic which comedians have been exploiting for time immemorial. As you may have read, the AllNighter have already covered topics in great detail, which, considering the website consists of writers who are all atheists is to be expected. Unlike Jamie though, I will attempt to write this article in more of a stand up stylie.

I guess what inspired me most to write this article is that I was sitting, thinking about scripture while watching the film Kingdom of Heaven (if you haven’t seen this film… you should!). I was just thinking, that when Judas betrayed Jesus to the Roman Procurator of Judea Pontius Pilate his fee for handing over his friend to certain death was 30 pieces of silver. This was a bad move in my personal oppinion; the most that 30 pieces of silver could be is only £15, and that’s assuming a generous 100% 50 pence coin ratio. If I were Judas, I would probably have asked for at least a grand.

But, as we are all no doubt aware, Judas went for this and subsequently went and hung himself. This was another bad move, he has just betrayed God’s only son on earth. If he goes to purgatory like that, his application to go to heaven is guaranteed to be rejected. He should have waited around a bit, helped out some old ladies, maybe donated to Oxfam or something, THEN killed himself. Silly Man.

Muslims are convinced, however, that when they reach heaven (Nirvana) they will be greeted by 7 beautiful virgins with which they can do whatever they want. If some wires have gotten crossed somewhere along the way and that is what Christians, too, can expect upon arrival, then modern man is fucked. Tupac “2Pac” Shakur has been up there now for 12 years. There aren’t gonna be any beautiful virgins left, all you now have to look forward to are sloppy seconds at best, all of which at some point will have been 2Pac’s bitches.

On a different topic… No I don’t want a bag for two kinder eggs you stupid Tesco woman!