I have to admit that I didn’t buy an XBox 360 with the sole intention of purchasing games off of the online marketplace. However, I found myself today playing a game which Microsoft deemed “Retro” but in which I could find no single aspect of culture which provided me, as the gamer, with a heightened sense of nostalgia or joy in the fact that I was interacting with it.

The game, Sensible World Of Soccer first caught my eye and I was immediately reminded of old greats such as International Superstar Soccer (ISS) Pro or FIFA 95. On first inspection the game seemed to be antique but with a charm of its own. I chuckled as I noticed the Danish keeper was called V. Schamauchal. Then disaster struck…

As everyone is no doubt aware, when you play a demo you tend to button bash before actually looking at the controls because it doesnt really matter. After a few short minutes which felt like an hour, I worked out that there is one single button for “Shoot/Pass/Slide Tackle” and the left stick just moves the player.

Now to the interesting bit. I never managed to actually score a goal, though I witnessed countless shots sail into the top corners of the net from the opposing team. It seemed that every time my players entered the other half if you tried to get them to change direction they would inexcusably leave the ball rolling while they ran off like they had left the gas on. On the one occasion that I did, in fact manage to approach the six yard box I focused all my attention on simply hitting the “Shoot/Pass/Slide Tackle” button (or magic button as I have taken to calling it) but instead of shooting the ball towards the net (even a pass would have done), my player decided that scoring a goal was not very sporting and for no good reason turned and pelted the ball back towards the centre of the pitch.

If I were to invest in any game, it would not be this one, due to its lack of… anything. I’m sure that this game will have a following of spotty kids who think the game is awesome just to be different, and there are no doubt web forums which have been set up, full of specky cunts discussing the intricacies of the game and putting reason to why it is a good thing that you can play a game of football with the abject inability to score (not unlike Luca Toni, but that’s another matter).

All in all I give this game -3/10, and I demand a refund of my time from the manufacturer.