Ahh Cocktails, Spirits, Mixers.. All the guilty pleasures of getting wasted. A good cocktail should get you drunk while still being manly. A manly cocktail should obviously contain the following:

This last point is where most cocktails fail. Now, these drinks are usually quite pricey to ensure only the manliest men can afford to savour that manly alcoholic taste. However you only get around 50ml of actual liquid because the rest of the drink is always ice. Just ice. Nothing else. Cunts.

Now I know bar staff are told how to make the cocktails so this is not entirely their fault, but as the great wise man Pilot “The Thinker” Wesley once said: “He who accepts tryanny and does not initiate a revolution is as guilty as the tyrant”.

There, I’ve said it. The bar staff are as guilty as those money grabbing managers who enforce the “Let’s fill the jug with ice and ruin a awesome drink” method.

I propose several alternatives to filling the cocktail jug with ice:

• Fill the jug with manly things like guns, tanks and cars.
• Use the ice as a coolant for my awesome manly crotch.
• Don’t fill the jug with ice.

If any of these points replace the ice, I will be happy. I will buy more cocktails and everybody will be happy.

Fact: The more cocktails you drink, the more of a man you are.

To prove this fact, here is the amount of times I’ve used “Cock” from cocktail in this article: 9
Here is the amount of times I’ve used the word manly in this article: 4

That’s some big numbers there.

I have used manly a lot, I should do something softer to counter act this testosterone filled cocktail related article.. A nice bubble bath should do the trick.

Next Week: The Drink Loiterer.

It’s okay for men to drink cocktails right?