There are many activities that can be performed at a bar: Drinking, socialising, “Bitch Fishing”© (Copyright Gazz Evans). However there is one activity that causes pain and suffering to many people on a night out and in some cases, has lead to the victim developing Alcos retailus vomitious (ARV). This condition causes the sufferer to vomit when confronted with the prospect of purchasing a drink at a bar.

The primary cause for ARV is the practice known as: Drink Loitering.

What is Drink Loitering?

Good question Timmy. Drink loitering occurs when a patron buys a drink at a crowded bar, and then proceeds to continue standing at the bar as if they were still queuing up. I do not understand why people linger around the bar area after the transaction has been completed. It causes prissy little rich girls to get impatient and chavvy flip flop wearing douche bags to shout in your ear about how shit the bar is.

How can Drink Loitering be prevented?

The only known way to guarantee Drink Loitering will not occur in a bar involves a combination of the following: A firearm, several rounds of live ammunition, a pre-existing psychological condition, and a skill for filling out paperwork.

There are however, several other ways drink loitering can be prevented that are almost as effective.

Remember the following phrase: “You’ve got your drink now fuck off you filthy little shit.”

Ok maybe that is not the best phrase to use, but something along those lines usually works and is unlikely to cause as many stabbings.

Simply moving in front of people who have their drinks works about 63% of the time so it may be better to try that before resorting to setting fire to the loiterer.

I’m not a murderer.. Honest.

Next Week: Drink Spillage