Cardiff; a city that never sleeps (McDonalds closes at 4am on weekends). A place with the vibrancy you can only experience with a capital city. With it’s interesting population, it is common to hear many strange and wonderful snippets of conversation during a night out. This semi-regular feature(but probably not as we already have 37 regular features on this site) will shed some light on the personalities you can expect to find if you ever visit this city.

The Student’s Union

It makes sense to begin with the All Nighter’s most visited venue, The Student’s Union. You would expect the conversation of young people in higher education to be intelligent and full of depth. Unfortunately this is not the case and the following examples will highlight that.

“Whoooo! They are playing <insert generic indie song here>!!”*Jumps around spilling VK everywhere*

-This is a standard thing that is heard every night in the union. It is usually said by a girl that is dressed like a cheap Swindon based stripper and has a voice that literally wants to make you set fire to your brain.

“Argh this place is empty, lets go to Tiger Tiger/Oceana/Reflex/That shitty basement club we got dragged to last week“

-This is almost exclusively said by somebody who only comes to the union at the end of term when it is packed by 9pm. This time they turn up once in the middle of the exam period…at 8pm…Before it’s opened.

“Fucking hell it’s so cheap. Damn the girls are so hot. Why is there security?”

-To stop 45 year old non-students like you getting in.. Arseface.

Clubs in Town

Every so often it is necessary to venture into the clubs in town to spice up things a bit. (Clubbing is a lot like marriage: Stick to the same routine and your life will become an empty shell of bitterness and heavy drinking.) However the clubs in the centre of Cardiff are also where the magic really happens. Locals stalk the high street, being drawn to the club with the brightest neon signs and the biggest leaflets being given out on the doors. The centre of Cardiff is where the true voice of the city can be heard.

Drunkard 1: “Oh maaate we should go to that strip club that sells 5 pint jugs of Carling”
Drunkard 2: “Yeaaaaah I wanna get blotto*”
Drunkard 1: “Fuck yeah, Carys can you get us in for free?”
“Carys” : Ahh shit boyo I ain’t worked there in months, I got sacked for puking on a customer remember?”
Drunkard 2: <Welsh gibberish>
Drunkard 1: “You got that right”

*Blotto - A term meaning wasted, drunk, fucked, munted… You get the idea.

Here is another gem that I actually heard one night:

Random Drunkard 42 *On the Phone* : “It’s OK the kids are in bed, I’ll check on em when I get home innit”

- I took a picture of this gentleman and sent it to Social Services along with what his name was (A fellow reveller called out to him). But unfortunately he is a prominent government figure and I was forced to sign the official secrets act after a lengthy interrogation about the incident.

Around Town

The actual town centre of Cardiff has the unique property of having the most mentally defective people per square metre in the whole of Europe. Because of this you hear some crazy conversations that would confuse most of the general public.

Jesus lover 3: “Everywhere around you there is greed, Jesus wants you to open up to him. Donate £10 a week to the church”

- No.

Hip-hop guy outside Footlocker: “You like Hip-hop right? I can tell man, you got it down, buy my CD”

- For starters, you are outside a footlocker, since when do American referee uniforms look awesome? I also do not want to buy some shitty CD from you that you made in your mum’s basement on her Packard Bell.

*Busker playing the same song over and over again*

Me: “Learn another fucking song and then I might give you some money”

I’m all for people trying to make something of themselves but in the true style of the capitalist west, everybody is trying to get money from you. If I bought all the shit that was sold in town on a Saturday by shady traders, I would be declaring bankruptcy.

Lastly, the one conversation I hope none of you get involved in:

Random hippy representing a random charity: “Can you spare a few moments for <Charity name here>?”

Me : “Erm, no. I’m a student so I don’t have any money”

Hippy face: “Did you know students have the most disposable income?”

Me : “No we don’t. If you know of this magical place where students have an unlimited supply of money to give to the 40 dozen charities I’ve seen you whore yourself out to in the last week, tell me where it is because I’ll pack up and move now”

Twat Hippy 4: “Want to give just £5 per week?”

Me: “Stop trying to oppress your own insecurities and guilt about your whoreish behaviour by attempting to guilt trip others into giving money. Leave me alone”

Ok that conversation didn’t happen exactly like that but you get the idea.

I hope this has given you an insight into some of the people you may come across in Cardiff. it must be noted however that these are a few extreme cases and most people who live here are honest people just trying to live life and drink as much as possible on a very hefty student loan that will no doubt cripple them in debt when they graduate and find the computing sector saturated with workers… Sorry I’m ranting.