Some people want to become a spy when they grow up. Others simply want a quiet life toiling away as an entry level programmer for a large software company. Some people however, want to make it big as a mediocre rock star.

This simple guide will help the latter follow their average dreams of releasing a record that everybody who reads NME will literally cream over.

STEP ONE - ACCENT

The key to becoming a semi-successful singer in the band is getting your voice just right. To achieve this you have to put on a strong london/essex accent (See: Jack Penate, Kate Nash and Scouting for girls).

These accents drive most people to suicide but create the impression that you are working class and actually need the money from these records for food. This sympathy vote nets at least a couple of thousand record sales.

STEP TWO - KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID (K.I.S.S)

Unlike the band Kiss, this step involves dumbing down the music to appeal to members of the public who get very confused when more than three chords violate their ears. Play three or four chords in your first single then on the follow up, play those same chords in a different order. Voila! a completely new song with no effort at all. This leads on to the next step: Lyrics.

STEP THREE - LYRICS

It is a well documented fact that most people will only listen to music if they can directly relate to the song’s subject matter and lyrics. Take the following example:

Kate Nash - Foundations

” You’ve gone and got sick on my trainers,
I only got these yesterday.
Oh my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this”

Notice that these lines refer to an event that often occurs in most cities on any given weekend. This lyric is not so much poetic, it is more a conversation between the protagonist (Kate) and her boyfriend.
It is important to sing about everyday life as otherwise a song would be boring. Here is an example of what your song could include:

“Walked over to tescos to get some snacks.
I hope they have half price Fanta.
Oh darn they are out of stock, I’m too hungover to care”

Remember to draw on your own mundane experiences as this will enhance the average nature of the song and ultimately bag some more record sales.

STEP FOUR - GIGS/FESTIVALS

When you are on the way to the top, you must not forget that as well as record sales, the public want to hear your 10 songs that all sound the same live! To please them you must play every festival that is offered and volunteer to appear on every “NME NEW MUSIC CD 20xx” no matter how long your band has been going. As well as appearing on the hundreds of new music CD’s you must attend every new music tour. Everybody knows that as long as your band is labelled “new music” it will sell records.

STEP FIVE - PHOTOGRAPHS

Now I know what you must be thinking: “Oh Jim with your knowledge so wise, what does simple photography have to do with our 2 year life span band?”.

Well, appearence and attitude is what makes most mediocre bands blend in to each other in a mass of NME nonsense. Consider the following images:

Notice something that all these images have in common? No, it’s not that whoever made Kate Nash’s dress cannot colour within the lines.
To be in a generic band you have to be able to lean forward. I have done a lot of research into why this occurs but have still not found an answer but one thing I do know for sure: To sell records, you must lean forward as much as possible in your promotional photos.

For a rough guide on how much you should lean, take a look at this handy graph:

Basically, the further forward you lean the more records you sell. However you must be aware of the infamous “Noel Gallagher Peak”. If you lean forward too much, you will fall over and your record sales will drop. This is due to the fact that the public only like family friendly songs and drunken idiots do not sell records.

Conclusion

That is everything I know about the music business. Go forth, form bands that include at least one piano and a song about getting drunk in London. Have one hit single, one slightly less of a hit single, then fade into obscurity forever. It will be a roller-coaster ride of boring safe music and shitty fake accents.