This is what happened on the Cardiff-Swindon train a few days before Christmas:

I’m sitting quite happily with my 701 eee PC. It only has a 7” screen, but is perfect for train journeys, lectures and the like. Anyway, enough free advertising for Asus; I’ll get to the point:

The train gets into Bristol and I’m contentedly listening to <insert your favourite track here> when this businessman-type person sits down opposite me (We shall call him ‘pinkie’, since he was wearing a beautiful pink shirt and pink tie and looked very pink). He pulls out his weapon to defeat my netbook: a piece of shit HP centrino with a shoddy fingerprint scanner, a Vodafone 3G PCMCIA card and the most elaborate headphones I’ve ever seen. He also sat his brick of a Nokia N95 on the table for all to gaze at. He would have won, but he ruined it by accompanying this ensemble with a warm can of Carling (I could tell it wasn’t cold because the bitty on the side hadn’t turned blue, thank you).

He is your typical train douche bag with his overpriced Sony headphones and cool pinky ring (dick). He had the choice of other tables but saw me with my perfectly good, cheap laptop and thought he would show me a thing or two. Problem is, buddy, your laptop runs the shit-awful Windows Vista and is an HP. In the IT Shop this year, we have seen far too many HP laptops come in with mainboard problems. Have fun paying £200 to have that fixed. For that money, you could buy - yes, you guessed it - the same laptop I’m using to write this.

I rest my case.

P.S. He has been sat opposite me while I have been writing this, and after taking more than a cursory glance, I have deduced he dressed much more like a hotel valet then any kind of business. (Nothing against valets, of course.)