The Opposite of Violence
By Renyi • Dec 3rd, 2008 • Category: ArticlesI know my job description falls primarily under the categories of Editor and Proofreader, but I do occasionally turn my hand to writing, for better or for worse. Anyway, in the period that shall historically be known as the ‘Where are all the articles?’ month, I thought this anecdote might amuse people while we wait for the real articles to be written.
I was walking home on my own last night at around 11:30pm, which probably wasn’t the wisest thing to do, and was just passing by The Woodville when I was approached by two young men who closely resembled Pete Doherty - as in really, really drunk and quite possibly high, rather than an ‘I’m-so-cool-because-I’m-on-the-front-cover-of-NME’ sort of way. One of them made a rather unusual request:
Pete Doherty #1: Excuse me, could you please kick the shit out of me?
Those of you who know me have probably guessed that I’m not exactly the best person to ask if you want yourself or someone else to end the night with your/their entrails scattered across the streets. To my mind, that’s something best left to the professionals or someone taller than 5ft 1″, and I am neither of those things.
Me: Sorry, but I’ve been shopping all day. I’m too tired to beat you up.
Pete Doherty #1: Oh come on, please. You’d be saving my life if you just went for it and beat the shit out of me.
Pete Doherty #2: (gallantly standing in front of his friend) I’m so sorry. Just walk on, walk on.
So I walked on. Unfortunately, Pete Doherty #1 wasn’t quite finished.
Pete Doherty #1: She wouldn’t do it - what a bitch.
I turned around and snapped, ‘Excuse me?’ while his friend apologised again.
Me: What the hell did you just call me?
Pete Doherty #1: You’re a bitch for not beating me up.
And therein lay the problem. Someone who became really irate about being insulted might have threatened him with some sort of physical violence, but that would have inadvertently given him what he wanted. How are you supposed to threaten someone with anti-violence?
I’m open to suggestions on this one, but until then, I’ll probably go along with Noel Fielding’s idea of how to threaten someone: ‘Don’t make me…cut the stuffing out of your pillow. With a motorbike made of jealousy.’ Trust another NME pinup boy to provide the answer.
Jamie’s Comment: Assuming our editor has edited this…
Like so many young women of her generation, Renyi began her career as an FHM High Street Honey in an attempt to become the first Malaysian Katie Price. When informed by plastic surgeons on Harley Street that her quest for a 30JJ cup size was ‘beyond the skill of mankind’, Renyi chose to put her flourishing career as a glamour model on hold and opted to study for a BA in English Literature instead.
Heeding The All Nighter’s call for an editor, Renyi applied for the job and managed to pass all of the stipulated tests and initiation rites, such as: Walking into HMV and buying six copies of Boyzone's latest release, going on a three month tour in Iraq and perhaps most challenging of all, downing a pint of Baileys, emerging barely alive but triumphant.
When not clutching a double vodka, blackcurrant and lemonade on the dancefloor at Metros, Renyi can usually be found removing spare apostrophes from various texts with a small silver sieve, clay pigeon shooting, watching University Challenge, and explaining why she finds lederhosen so amusing.
She will be an asset to the website and the team are already noticing apostrophes going missing in our articles.
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