Previously on 24… on Jim’s Guide to Lazy Revision:

There was suspense as I explained how to prepare for revision, how to allocate time to study and how working in groups can be advantageous when exam time comes.
I have had at least 78 emails requesting at the second part of this guide be published as soon as possible because even as I type, Serbian militia are shipping exam papers into the country.
For some of you it will be too late, the search and destroy teams have reached your exam venue and are using modern “ink/paper ratio methodology” to break your will and turn you into a raging alcoholic that will be no use to any weapons testing facilities. For the lucky few of you that have survived this first attack, this second part of the guide will ensure your physical and mental survival of this horrific time of year.

Get ready for Part II:

4. REVISION LOCATIONS

You have your notes, you know how your time is going to be managed… You sit down at your desk to begin working. WAIT! Lesson 4 in this age old revision guide is this: Do not revise at home. The Independent posted some interesting statistics about revision locations:

• 68% of all students experience a 90-100% decrease in revision rate while studying at home.
• Out of those students, 95% experience a 120% increase in work rate if they study in a remote location such as: Lab, computer room or public house.

I know that is a lot of percentages so I will simplify it:

R = ( (d x BSL ) / BAC) /t

R = Revision rate (Out of five where by a value of five is maximum work rate and one is not working at all)

d = distance from home in kilometres

BSL = Blood Sugar Level

BAC = Blood Alcohol Concentration

t = Time before exam

A person’s revision rate is dependent on distance from home multiplied by the amount of sugar in the bloodstream, which is then divided by the concentration of alcohol in the blood. The result is then divided by the amount of time before the exam to give the accurate revision rate.
(Basically: Your revision rate is highest when you are far away from home, you have a high blood sugar level but only a small amount of alcohol in your system and the exam is less than three days away)

Ok that complicated things a lot but the message still carries. DO NOT REVISE AT HOME. You will get distracted and end up watching House for 6 hours straight.

Scouting for Locations:

There are only three things that are required for a good place for revision (Apart from it being at least 1.5km away from your house)

• Ethernet/Wireless
• Air Conditioning
• Easy access to beverages.

As long as the room fulfills these three things it will serve you well.

5. PRE-EXAM

So it is the evening or morning before an exam, you feel you have learnt enough and just want to relax. What activities work best to mentally prepare yourself for the written interrogation awaiting you?

Before I list what you should do, here is what you should not do:

• Do not drink spirits or other hard liquor before an exam (One or two beers is ok the evening before the exam. It’s fine because you don’t “need” to drink.)
• Do not perform any activity that can cause brain damage or any forms of memory loss. (These include but are not limited to: Boxing, Base Jumping, Stair falling, Bungee jumping and punching yourself in the head.)

Now we have that out of the way, here is what you should do:

• Eat a light meal before the exam (nothing greasy as this will make you sleepy).
• Take a pre-exam shit. I cannot emphasise this enough but taking a dump during an exam is not an option. Remember this saying: “Clear bowels equal a clear head”.
• Go over anything you have trouble with before you walk into the exam. If you are a fast reader now would be a good time to look at the lecture notes.
• Ensure you have the following equipment ready for the exam: Pens (at least two), Calculator (if applicable), Student card, 4 x pro-plus, 3 x vicadin, 750ml bottle of still water, and clean underwear.

6. POST-EXAM

The exam is now finished and you have a few days before your next exam. What is the correct procedure?

One word: Alcohol.

After sufficient alcohol has been consumed, use the knowledge I have given you to revise for the next exam.

Once all of your exams have been completed it is important to get as drunk as possible, as quickly as possible. This is the only way to recover from the mental anguish inflicted upon you by those bastards at the exam board.

At this time of year, most people between the ages of 16 - 21 will be thinking about the impending exams that will soon gush forth from exam boards like claret from a wound… The puddle of exam papers expanding like a shotgun blast. that cause so much unnecessary stress. Don’t despair when this time of year rolls around. Simply follow these effortless steps and you will be able to get an acceptable grade in any exam you undertake.

1 . PREPARATION

Before you can even think about revising, you have to prepare for the task ahead. As with all things it is important to reward yourself for hard work. However there may not be enough time for that between revising so the most essential thing you must do before you start any work is to go out and get wasted one last time. Jamie and myself like to call this a “pre-emptive treat”. Rewarding yourself before actually doing any work can only help the overall process and lead to a more productive revision period.

Helpful tip: If you talk about exams whilst drinking it silences the voice inside your head which begs you to start revision early.

2. TIME

When the hangover fades and there is only a couple of weeks before the exam period begins, it is time to start revising. Before you do anything that could cause a severe headache, you must split your revision time into managable slots. (or to quote the BBC: “chunks”) From experience I have found that 10 minute time slots work best with 15 minute breaks taken between slots.

A very useful alternative to this is 15 minute time slots of revision with 22 minute breaks in between. The reasoning behind this is that most sitcoms: How I Met Your Mother, Friends, Scrubs, Family Guy etc. are all around 22 minutes long so this is the ideal amount of time for a break.

3. REVISE IN GROUPS

To make time literally go quicker, it is preferable to revise in a group of 2 or more people. As well as asking the other people for help you can enjoy breaks together. Here is an example of the sort of activities that can be enjoyed during a revision break:

• Drinking - Go to the local Wetherspoons for a steak and a bottle of Kopparberg. Revision while tipsy is scientifically proven to enhance the brains ability to retain information.
• Video games - Play five or six games of Fifa with the other members of the group and the time will fly by!
• Write an article - If your group has a humorous website, consider writing a number of articles for it. This feels rewarding and can constitute two or three break periods.

These first three tips should help you on your way to a successful period of exams and onto a summer of alcohol poisoning, heat stroke and a worrying memory loss of everything you have learnt the past semester. Part II will contain information on how to take an exam and how to celebrate after the exams are completed.

How To Skip Exams…

….Using 1 jar of Russian smallpox

Credit to Gazz for bringing my idea to life.